How to Get Kids to Cooperate Without Power Struggles

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Discover simple, connection-based strategies to reduce power struggles and build cooperation with kids.

Today Lauren is looking at what drives power struggles with kids and how we can respond in ways that build cooperation rather than conflict. Whether you're a parent, teacher, or work with children in any capacity, the strategies shared here offer a helpful shift away from control-based approaches and toward connection-driven responses.

Lauren unpacks why so many common discipline tactics fall short and offers practical tools like giving voice and choice, using visual supports, and planning ahead for tricky moments. Through personal examples and clear, actionable insights, she reminds us that change takes time, but it’s absolutely possible—and worth it—for stronger relationships and calmer environments.

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Transcript:

Lauren Spigelmyer: All right, we are wrapping up this series today and we're going to wrap up with an episode that really applies to so many. I'm talking more teachers, leaders, people who work with children in this particular series, but a lot of this applies to parents as well. And this episode definitely applies to parents, but free to listen if you have any reach. with children of any age, I'm gonna try and differentiate a little bit here for like early childhood, primary school, intermediate, middle, high, but we are talking about how to get children, students to cooperate without going into a power struggle, which is like a child of any age, power struggles just look different, but they happen across all spans of levels of development and biological ages, but here's what I want. you know, like lock in for today is that when we're trying to get children to listen, whether they're toddlers or teens, relationship building with them is more effective than control when you're trying to get cooperation. That might be like, duh, Lauren. Yeah. Well, the problem is most of our strategies that we use to shift and shape and change behavior and get kids to cooperate is quite the opposite of relationship building. It's often very authoritarian and very forceful and that creates distrust and it also really challenges the nervous system. So it's really doing the opposite of using a relationship-based method of cooperation.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, if you are someone who finds yourself frequently saying things like, because I said so, because I'm your parent, because I'm the teacher, because I'm the adult, this episode is probably for you. And that said, as we've gone through all these episodes and we go through more episodes and we especially go through today's episodes, you may or may not be learning new information. And even if you are, you aren't. we can go into these shame spirals because we're like, wow, I'm such a bad teacher. I'm such a bad parent. I'm such a failure. And the reality is not many of us were raised with this type of parenting or educational experience. So, have some grace for yourself. I know as someone who's been doing this work for 15 years and deeply studied it, and I've been coaching people on it forever, feels like I still struggle with my toddler, almost really preschooler now. And I know the strategies. The problem is that when I come home from work, just forget, forget. They're still in my brain, but it's hard to stay in that mode of like, don't forget the things you know and you teach because you turn it off or you've been working all day. You're tired. Even if that scenario doesn't really relate to you because you're well, I don't have kids at home. Or maybe I do, but my problem is really in the classroom or in my job where I work with kids. I'm not able to do some of these things or I'm struggling to do them or I'm failing at doing them. You're learning a new language. You're learning new patterning for your brain. So it's going to take a while for you to be able to adopt and readjust the way your brain's automatic patterns work. So that's what we're trying to break here. So, good news is it's possible. That's what we know from neuroscience, but it's definitely not easy. It takes time and energy and effort and conscious awareness.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, we're gonna talk through some of that today. But I feel like I'm coming out of a season and maybe I'm still in it where it's felt like the last year or two, I like parenting title should have been like chief of power struggles. Just, you know, I wouldn't necessarily call some of the things I've been walking through with my kiddo like terrible twos or three-nagers. I just, there's a lot of sensory overstimulation in the world. There's a lot of stress. There are a of things happening in our lives that are causing him distress. So, I think you account for all those factors and meltdowns or breakdowns or emotional dysregulation skills that they're all still learning really any age of child until their mid twenties, maybe even late twenties. So, it's just a lot and it's not easy. And just remind yourself to give yourself some grace as we move through this. Okay, so here's like a possible realization for you all. When kids feel powerless, when they feel a little bit out of control or when their life externally feels out of control, where they don't have a say, they resist. And not only a conscious resistance, it's a nervous system level resistance, it's a subconscious resistance. But when they feel safe and seen and heard and a sense of belonging and they have a sense of autonomy and choice and independence, they are far more willing to cooperate. Again, I think that's probably not like a no-brainer, but the problem is most of our interactions with them don't lead to that. So, what you need to know is why power struggles happen. And power struggles happen because it's the nervous system against the nervous system. So when you're fighting over the shoes or the pencil or something in the hallway and there's a power struggle, it's not about the pencil or the hallway or the shoes. It's really about control. It's about psychological safety. It's about nervous system regulation or in this case, probably dysregulation. And that's, some of that is because so much of our language and so much of our interactions with children, I mean, the, the, the status high, it was like 80 % or something, but even higher than that. is control-based, is authoritarian-based, and it's like control-based language.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, things like, you have to, because I said so, now, or else, I don't care, I don't have time. And all of that is sending a message to the child's nervous system, like flare up, get defensive, my parent is dysregulated, my teacher is dysregulated, that tells my subconscious to mirror it and become dysregulated too, and maybe there's then like, trigger into defense. And then I'm like, can I get really defensive and really try and take back the control because I can see they're out of control and now I've out of control and it just spirals. majority of these reactions are subconscious level. Like I can remember earlier this week just having a really tough like two days with my kiddo and it was like end of day two and just so many power struggles. And the last one was like, getting a bath to try and help him down regulate. And he took a huge thing of water and just dumped it outside the tub. And it wasn't like, ha, I'm having fun playing, like, dumps outside tub. He like looked at me, made eye contact. And was like, watch me and just dumped it outside the tub. I felt like a volcano inside. Was like, I can't believe you just did that. I'm about to blow up. I'm like, pause Lauren. It's not really about you. He's not really trying to get back at you. What his body is communicating is there's something going on in my life that feels a little bit out of control. I am being told I have to get out of the bathtub now because I've been in the bath for a while and it's not really helping to regulate. So when you take away my power and control, watch this, I take it back and the water dumps. And I'm like, I don't have the energy. So, it takes a lot of additional energy after already being energy drained to not respond negatively to that. And please don't think I'm perfect. I may have responded like appropriately in that moment, but there are moments where I'm like, Don't have the energy today, like not gonna respond well to this. And that's totally a human thing, whether it's a teacher or a parent. So, what we need to move into is just recognizing that a lot of our interactions are authoritarian, are control-based and try and move into a more of a connection-based, more of a relationship building-based response, responses, interactions. So we're really trying to shift from like enforcer to guide.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so, I'm gonna run through just a couple strategies here that may help you make that shift. What I would encourage you to do with these is like some of them are probably going to be new to you if they're not, great, you already have them on your belt, we're just gonna work on refining them. And if they are new, it's gonna be really hard to remember them in the moment, because there's a beautiful Viktor Frankl quote that's like, between the stimulus and the response is really where like the change happens. But that period between stimulus and response, like water dumping and my reaction. is so small, it's like seconds, but it's in that space where I get to catch myself and insert a new response. And if I don't respond well, that's okay, I can have grace for myself, I can go back and reflect and think about, okay, I responded this way, what would have been a better way to respond? This is probably gonna happen again, how can I respond next time? That is the better way to respond. Some of these ways are probably better. What's also probably helpful is not only reflecting back on moments like that and thinking about what a better response would be, but also putting visual reminders of these strategies in places where those things happen. So I'm like, okay, if the bathroom water spill thing keeps happening, I'm gonna put a sticky note in the bathroom that reminds me to respond this way instead of that way, because this is helpful and that's not. So, number one is giving them voice and choice. And I know, again, this one may not be a shocker to you, but where I see it misused is I often and regularly see choices offered as threats. or choices as a way that we use to really manipulate children to get them to do what we want them to do. So even myself, my subconscious patterning from like the way I was raised and the educational system I went through still struggles with this. even though I know it and I've gotten so much better at it, there are still times where I'm like, either you put it away, I put it away. And I'm like, well, that's not a choice. That's a threat. That's saying you do it now or I'm gonna do it. And that takes away their power and control. So not helpful. In order for a voice and choice to really work, children have to feel like they have complete autonomy. It has to feel like the choice options are completely neutral. So instead of saying like, you put it away or I put it away, I could say something like, would you like to play for three more minutes or five more minutes? Or do you want to put those toys away in three minutes or five minutes? And then I set a timer. So it's not me again, coming back to say like, okay, time's up, put it away. It's the timer that's communicating the message. Maybe I give them an opportunity for how to do something or where to do something, like would you like to do your writing work at your, if they're not already doing it at their desk, that's probably not a good choice. Would you like to do your writing work on the rug or back in the library? Like, give them a choice that they're neutral. If I think back to my bathtub situation, my response was like, I'm really frustrated. Just not gonna say anything. My body language is sane at all. And I'm just gonna get you out of the bathtub and put you to bed. like, not the way I wanna go to bed, but I'm so frustrated right now. If I had been able to catch myself sooner and immediately kind of regulate in that moment, what I probably would have done is give him a voice and a choice because he felt a loss of control. So, by giving him a choice or how to get out of the bathtub, it would have been a sense of control given back to him. So he needed to come out instead of just saying, OK, well, it's about time you need to get out. I could have said something like, do you want me to lift you out or would you like to jump out and jump, meaning I probably would hold him. We jump off the edge like. be too dangerous, be out wet to just solo jump. and maybe that's just me on the spot coming up with an example. Maybe not the best example, but like, would you like me to get you out fast? Or would you like me get you out slow? So like either way he's getting out, but I'm giving him a choice for how to do it. And both options are like neutral and fun. I can move him like super slow like a sloth, or I can get him really fast like a cheetah. And I could even make those references. Like, would you like to get out slow like a sloth, fast like a cheetah? Would you like to get out like a crane truck? Or would you like to get out like an excavator. I have no idea what those would look like, but he's three, barely. So they probably would entice him and whatever I came up with in that second to make a crane truck or to make an excavator, he probably would get along off. That would have been a much better transition into bedtime than me like, okay, I'm done, get out. But again, we're human, so give yourself some grace. Helpful to kind of pre-think of these things. Like if the situation already happened, pre-think about what you would do next time so that when that time comes up, you're like, oh yeah, remember I planted this seed in my head. I said I was going to do this, offer voice and choice, give them a voice by offering a choice.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, that is a beautiful segue into the next strategy, which is really try to pre-plan with them. if times of the day are stressful, certain transitions are stressful, even like a visual schedule can be really helpful or telling them what's coming can be really helpful. This is what's happening next. Here's where we're going next. Look, here's the schedule. This is what's going on next in the day. It just gives their brain some reassurance of like, I am safe. I know what's coming. It doesn't feel out of control because it's unknown. So just kind of pre-planning your responses, pre-planning breakdowns, pre-planning by showing a visual schedule, pre-planning by letting them know what's coming next. So maybe a pretty easy one, but. Maybe not one we always do, because we're just moving through our days so fast.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Probably my favorite strategy, number three, is using humor and playfulness. And gosh, this is probably the hardest one to use, I think, because there's no script, or there's no specific strategy. It's really open-ended. But it's the one that I enjoy the most. It's the one that I get the most out of. It's the one that the kids enjoy. Could you imagine if you used a lot more playfulness and humor in stressful situations? your day would be filled with more laughter and joy versus stress, anxiety, and whatever else you're feeling. But it's hard to be funny when you're stressed out. So, that is why I feel like this one's so hard. And it's also extremely hard to be creative and think in a way of humor when you are stressed out. So, this is another one where I have to kind of pre-plan something, kind of stacking strategies here, but I have to kind of pre-plan. So, the example in the bathtub, like, getting out slow or fast could be funny maybe. Getting out like an excavator or a crane truck, that's probably definitely gonna be funny, because I can already imagine the crane truck. I would like lift them out and make like crane truck sounds. So, like, that would definitely be an element of humor. I'm trying to think of other strategies for other age groups. But some of these things will work better for others than younger kids versus older kids. I'm giving a lot of examples from my three-year-old. But voice and choice is pretty easy for older kids. Preplanning, visual schedule may still help them. Definitely telling them what's going to be changing, the schedule's going to help with them. Despite their maybe acting like they don't like the humor, although humor is very different at a tween, teen age group than a young child, they still like it, like biologically, we're just wired to like get so many positive chemicals from laughing and from finding things funny. So just figure out what type of humor do they appreciate or what, you know, humor is appropriate for their age group. All these strategies can be differentiated for a variety of different great age groups. I mean, this is a great place to stop and pause and use like an AI system, like a ChatGPT, like, I want to add more voice and choice to my classroom, to my home. The kids are this age. I work with kids this age. Can you help me come up with some ideas and maybe speed it more specifics? Like it's this subject, it's this activity, it's this time. Give it some details. And if you don't like the response, like refine it, ask it to keep refining. The thing I love about AI is it's like a thought partner. It's like a collaborator. So, it's like having a conversation with someone and trying to improve or learn something new. But I don't want to just accept the first response. I refine, I go back and forth, I go back and forth, and I get to the final. strategy that I really like. Humor is a good one to plug in there too, even pre-planning ideas. But if I could push one strategy more than any other, be humor. just, and I have for myself, like don't do this one enough. Cause again, you're stressed, you've got a lot going on, you got things to get through the day. It's just hard to do. But I really like this one. I like the one where we, like how I easily integrate humor. You could use like funny voices even, but I like to... pretend to have them transform into something like, all right, everybody in the class, we are about to transform into desk cleaning superheroes. Everyone grab a cape, I don’t have capes for everyone, so this may not work, but maybe they make a cape or whatever it is. Choose a superhero, whether you like flash and you speedy clean your desk or you're like, I don't know superheroes that well, even though I have a boy, I don't know. Whatever other superhero has a power that relates to desk cleaning. And just that little twist on it makes it a little bit more fun.

Lauren Spigelmyer: The last one we kind of already addressed sort of through the others, which is just kind of visual supports and predictability. So, we talked a little bit about like that visual schedule or like a chore chart or like a job chart because chores and jobs, even chores is probably a poor choice of word because it's like a negative association with chores, but a job chart or like a responsibility chart or like something that really helps to give them sense of independence and ownership, like, have a responsibility, I am important here, I am needed here, is really something that allows the child to feel like they have a sense of control, especially if they get to have some kind of say in some of those things. So, I like anything that gives them a sense of responsibility. And then laying it out visually or knowing it's a repeating pattern so it becomes predictable, it becomes like a rhythm. Rhythm is regulating, so any rhythmic things we can do.

Lauren Spigelmyer: The last one, number five, I'm going to say is I really encourage you to create like family values, classroom values. So these are just we statements that are like three, I like, definitely more than five. I'd say three to four broad statements of things we are. So, as a class and collective whole, or as a family system, we are, or we do this thing. So for example, I have four. I'm trying to think of all of my, even though they're in the fridge right in front of me. We are kind and treat people with grace. We regulate our emotions. We take care of our body and mind and we solve problems together. Those are my four. So when those things are not happening in my house, instead of saying we don't or don't do that or no, I instead say like, that's not following our values. I just give some feedback information so it doesn't take away control. So for example, today, a three-year-old got upset. We had to leave a party and he whacked me in the face. And I could have gotten mad and yelled or said, don't hit or we don't do that. But the problem is like the hitting wasn't intentional. Like, yes, he wound his arm up and hit me. That may seem intentional, but it wasn't conscious. It was, I feel a loss of control. I'm not regulating my emotions because I'm three and I don't have the ability to fully regulate my emotions. And before I can even think about the consequences of my action or how much this disrupts relationship, whack, and I'm prepared for it. I don't know why it's happened enough, I should be, but my response isn't, we don't hit, don't do that, stop that, no. My response is, that's not kind. And in our house, we're kind. And that's all I say. And people might say, like, you're just gonna let him get away with that, there's no consequence or punishment. Well, consequences and punishments take away control. And he already feels a loss of control. So, if I punish him, it's only going to escalate the behavior because it's going to take away more control. versus what I want him to learn is like metacognition and self-reflection and values and make choices because internally he knows it's the right choice because he's heard it a thousand times. So, I remove myself from the situation and say, this isn't about me. It's not about hating me. It's not a conscious choice. It's a subconscious reaction to feeling a loss of control. I'm going to ingrain that there are better ways to do this and that we need to make choices that are kind and that are filled with grace. No, and like duly on there, I'm like, OK, he's still learning emotional regulation. So I need to teach regulation skills. I need to teach basically an alternative to hitting for when you get frustrated. So lock that in. But my response is not take away more control. My response is trying to shift and shape and change and let him know, give him feedback that that's not an appropriate choice because it doesn't meet our family values because our family values involve being kind. So I like we statement family values or classroom values to shift and shape and change behavior and get compliance and get them to do what I want instead of saying like, you will listen because I am the authority because it doesn't build a relationship. But that does because you know what else that translates to those family values, how they treat other people in the world. And I care about producing good humans who care about humanity and care about how they show up and care about how they interact. So if they learn that foundation in my classroom or my home, they're much more likely to go out and outwardly act that way, which I want. I'm basically my my outward language and my reference to my values and then there's other things in here too, become their inward language and then eventually become their outward language. So, what I say outward is what they lock in inward and eventually what comes back out for them. So that's what I want. These things are what I want them to outwardly do or say versus just brain control.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, I am rambling on. So let's do this. Let's talk about how are we going to create and hold some boundaries without a battlefield. So when we work on influencing them, it still can be firm. It's just not forceful. Authoritarian control, power seeking, it's all forceful. But when we do things to try and influence them, choices, humor, values, we're not forcing them. And you get a much better response, plus you're simultaneously building a relationship and a good core alongside that. I will say things instead of like, because I said so, do it now, do it or else. I will say things like, let's do it together. Or I hear how hard that feels for you. Or I hear that you don't want to do that. Or whatever it is, it's like validating them or giving them support. Like you don't have to clean up this entire massive mess by yourself. Let's do it together. So, language that helps them to feel like I'm safe. I've heard, although my behavior is not justified, I'm basically hearing from my adults around me that even though my behavior is not good, I am still seen, I'm still cared for, I'm still psychologically safe here. And instead of taking my energy up with like, because I told you to do it now, these types of scripts and language and responses take the energy down. And that's what we need because then we can guide them into the behavior that we want them to do. So, it's really creating that psychological safety that's going to influence them to make the choice that you want them to make. Kids trust people, leaders, whether school leaders, teacher leaders, household leaders, mom and dad leaders, people, kids, people too, kids trust leaders who stay calm, not just people that they fear. Yes, they might behave for people that they fear out of fear, but that doesn't create a good foundation and a respectful one moving into the future. And we definitely don't want kids repeating those behaviors hourly. Problems come up there.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so let's do this. I'm gonna challenge you to take some application. I gave you five strategies, voice and choice, pre-planning things, like letting them know what's coming next, maybe by creating visuals or predictability or routine, humor and playfulness, and family system or family or classroom values. So pick one of those and like script it out. or put a sticky note in that area or think ahead to how you respond and actually think about, how would I try this this week? So what's it gonna be and how would I do it? When you lead with connection and with clarity and with kindness and with grace, power struggles lose their power. Okay. That said, that's all I got for today's episode of returning to us podcast, but I'm to lead you with this. If you are in the classroom setting or just want, if you're not in a classroom setting and you work with kids and you want some university credit, we created a program called Behavior Breakthrough. And this program through five Ives is in partnership with UPenn. So you can earn 4.5 credits, a graduate level credit from university Pennsylvania. And we're running it every semester. So, currently in a summer cohort, we're about to set up the fall cohort that will have a spring cohort. But this coursework is going to give you application for like real world classrooms, real world child-based environments that actually work because they're based on the nervous system and the neuroscience and needs that drive behavior. And it's going to help you to create more connection with the kiddos you work with and create more calm in your classroom, which helps prevent you from burning out. So, awesome course, the first cohort to go through the summer is giving such amazing feedback and I cannot wait to start the next cohort. So we'll get you a link in the show notes. You can also email me, Lauren, L-A-U-R-E-N at five ives, F-I-V-E-I-V-E-S dot com. And I'll just send you the information link. So lauren at five ives dot com. I'll send you the registration link. It's on the website to fiveives.com, but it doesn't give you the specific partnership accredited course link. It'll just give you the program, a standalone program, which anyone can take too. But if you want the credit, have to email me for the special, special link. So, okay. Don't forget to lock in what you learned today by either pre-planning it or getting an accountability buddy, or like sharing this episode with someone and talking about what you would do to really like plant the seed in your brain. And. Next episode, we're starting a whole new series. It's called Regulating in the Real World. So I'm gonna give you some regulation-based strategies to use in your everyday life when there's just like literally no time to use things. Like ain't got time for 10 minute meditation, but what can you do to regulate in like 10 seconds? Until next episode, I'm Lauren Spigelmyer and thank you for joining me.


Categories: : Regulation Strategies

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