Meetings That Calm, Not Drain

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Learn how meeting structure and tone impact team regulation and how simple shifts can create calmer, more productive meetings.

Meetings set the tone for an organization. Lauren explains how structure, pacing, tone, and clarity can calm the nervous system and keep teams grounded instead of drained.

She also shares simple practices like ritualized starts, sensory grounding, one word check ins, and clear closures to help meetings become stable, productive spaces that support a healthier culture.

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Transcript:

Lauren Spigelmyer: Alright, we are back for the next episode in this series, and today, I'm going to be talking about, specifically, meetings! Meetings that…calm our nervous system, that regulate us, and don't drain us. I don't know if any of y'all work in a field where you have meetings, whether in person or online, but man, I kind of honestly hate meetings. I dread them, because I know that something in that meeting is gonna eat, like, the whole purpose of it's gonna be irrelevant to me, or it's gonna be too long, or it's gonna be disorganized, and I just… I have always dreaded going to meetings, because never in my life have I ever been to consistent, regular meetings in an organization where I'm like oh wow, that was, like, done really well. So, today's goal is to help leaders, really, and just everybody that's underneath leadership, too, understand how meeting frequency, duration, structure, tone, pacing, how they all influence the team's collective nervous system. And I'm gonna just talk about a few, like, simple, actionable ways to make meetings more regulating instead of having staff leave and feel absolutely depleted, including you, yourself, as a leader.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So…You can tell a lot about an organization's nervous system by how they run their meetings, because most organizations have meetings quite regularly, quite frequently, and more times than not, they're either chaotic, or they're rushed, or they're full of information, too much information, and because of that, it causes tension. But the alternative could be meetings that are calm, clear, connected, regulated. That's what we're after. It's not just about communication in meetings. It's about how do we influence our culture in terms of regulation, and in terms of co-regulation? Because that's going to then, after people leave the meeting, determine what they do, how they act, what they say, how much they produce, and their desire to come back to a future meeting. So, first thing we're gonna go into is how meetings are really just a mirror of the culture's nervous system. Like, if I can… if I sit in a meeting for an organization, I know nothing about the organization, or I know nothing… well, I'm not… not that I know nothing about the organization, if I don't know anything about, like, that field of work I can sit in that meeting, read the body language, see how the meeting is run, and tell you, like, the pulse of the nervous system of the organization just by sitting in that meeting. It's a gift and a curse. So, the reality is, like, the meetings they truly are the pulse of the organization, because they're usually happening pretty frequently. A lot of times, there's too much talking and no clear outcomes. And it could be too much talking by leadership to staff, it could be too much talking back and forth between leadership and staff, it could be too much talking amongst staff, but the problem is, there are no clear outcomes and when you leave a meeting and there aren't clear outcomes it leads to overwhelm and confusion and that significantly impacts what people do next. Also, if you're in meetings where there are constant, like, interruptions, like, if there's, like, tension because of the topic, or if there's not a, like, a lack… if there's a lack of clarity in sharing information, and there's a constant, regular frequent and regular is what I meant to say, interruptions to the flow of the explanation, or the share, the purpose of the meeting, because people aren't being clear in their shares, and then people are asking for clarity back regularly. That puts us in, like, a fight-flight response, aka that makes your nervous system go like, whoop, stop, something's not right, I'm just confused, I don't understand, and that causes more tension. Sometimes, when there's, like, an over-delivery, or too much information is shared, the sensory system, like, the body's, like, ability to take in information, kind of freezes. And then we hear, like, long pauses, no questions, not that there should always be questions, sometimes there are no questions, but, like, there's just silence. There's, like, really long silence, like, no engagement, no questions, no… Just nothing. And then you know you've gotten to a point where there's disengagement, likely because people's systems are overwhelmed. It's a really well-structured meeting that… alludes to… calm and that type of meeting signals to the brain, the body, subconscious, the nervous system. what the person's gonna do when they leave. It sends the message of safety, which we need as a, like, biological need in order to function optimally, and order. And your brain and your body really loves order. Your memory system, pulling things out of memory, putting things into memory, all of it's in even regulation. Order. Your body likes order. It likes consistently, it likes control. So, if you think about, like, when… when teams leave meetings, like, if you are someone leaving meetings, do you feel more exhausted than when you came in? And leadership, if you're leading the meeting, do you feel more exhausted than when you came in? If that is true, if one or both parties feel that way, then your meeting rhythm is working against the nervous system, which is working against the culture, the organization, which is working against your ability to produce and perform well. Not a good thing.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, In meetings, there are a couple big areas we want to think about and kind of reflect upon when we're scheduling meetings, when we're organizing meetings, when we're holding meetings.One is predictability. It is so important to start and end on time. So important. Man, when it goes, like, one minute over, people are… But it's because it feels like a lack of control. Like, you said this meeting was going to be over at this time, and now it's not, and I feel, on a subconscious level, a lack of control. Also, a lack of predictability could mean there's no clear agenda. Like, do they even have an agenda? Also, is the agenda just, like… got way too many items on it. Is the meeting going to be too long? Should I have been broken up into two meetings and have a shorter agenda? So people want rhythm, routine, and predictability. They want to know, is it starting at this time and ending at this time, and is it always going over? Is there a clear agenda? Are we sticking to the agenda? Are we going way off on tangents? Like, all of those things disrupt predictability and feel like a loss of control. Number two thing you need to consider when you're having meetings is clarity. Definitely explain the purpose of the meeting. People need to know why they are spending their time doing this when they have a zillion other things that they could be doing with their time. Is this a meeting to just share information? Is this a meeting for decision making? Making sure that there aren't too many purposes in the meeting? Clarity is kind. We want more clarity. Be clear. Also, the pacing. And this pacing will be determined by a lot of factors. One, did you cram too much into the meeting? Is the agenda too full to accomplish in the time that you have scheduled? And two, where's your nervous system before you go in? And where's the nervous system of all the people that are entering into the meeting? So, you want your pacing to be not too slow, but also not too fast. Maybe you're building in pauses, or you're adding, like, ritualistic practices to how you start the meetings and how you end the meeting. It's… it's the rushing, either the whole way through or the rushing at the end because you planned too much for the time that you had, or the fact that you just came in and your nervous system is totally wrecked from everything else going on, and you're just moving, talking too fast because you're dysregulated. All that impacts pacing. Too hastened of a pace is gonna cause the body's threat detection system on a subconscious level to everybody attending the meeting to be like, well… alarm, like something is wrong. Even if they don't actually consciously feel it, it'll be the sign that it sends to the nervous system. Also, your tone. Like, if you just cut off a really unpleasant call, and you come into a meeting, and you haven't regrounded yourself or regulated yourself before you came in the meeting, your voice, your tone, that impacts the entire flow of the meeting. So, making sure that you have a calm voice, making sure that you have a steady pace, making sure that you have clear next steps upon leaving the meeting, because you've stated the purpose, you've followed the agenda, and you haven't scheduled too much. Even myself, even when I record these podcasts, I can tell on the days that I'm recording that I'm a little bit more stressed out than the others because I talk way too fast. I'm a fast talker, but also, it's a pretty clear indicator that my nervous system is a little bit dysregulated, because I'm a human too. I might teach this stuff, it doesn't mean I don't have a nervous system that doesn't get influenced by external things. There are lots of things that can go on in people's lives that are out of their control that impact their nervous system. We just need to learn how to mitigate the effects of that, how to regulate before we enter into these spaces, and bring a regulated self into the space instead of whatever's causing us to be dysregulated. Also, if you were spending your whole time talking as a leader, and you're not getting input from anybody, you're not allowing choice, you're not allowing autonomy, you're taking away the power and control of the whole time, and that signals a lack of safety to people. So, integrate choice, allow input, all those things are important in helping people feel psychologically safe. And you may think, like, I don't care about psychological safety. You should, because it's one of the greatest influencers on how hard people work, how fast people work, how well people work, how detailed, how much they produce, whether or not they're gonna come back to work the next day, whether they're going to stay in their job. They have to feel safe on both a conscious and the subconscious level. So, know this, that big buckets like predictability and clear communication are the things that reduce cortisol levels and increase perceived control. These are two things that are heavily impacted by our societal norms right now in life. Like, every single human being has pretty high cortisol because of just sensory overstimulation, because of things happening in the world. So, even outside of work, you've got high cortisol, then your work environment could be even increasing your cortisol even more. And then there's a feeling of, like, a lack of control. So much in life, in the world, in our society, feels out of control right now, so when you don't have predictability, and you don't have clear communication, you're increasing the cortisol, you're increasing the… the perception of… well, you're… you're… if you do not have predictability, and you do not have clear communication, then you are increasing cortisol, and you are moving someone's sense or ability to feel like they are in control, two of the brain's biggest dysregulators.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so, here are some simple practices that will help to make an immediate difference. One… When you arrive to the meeting, definitely arrive on time and I would encourage you that if you do arrive late, you don't even necessarily need to apologize. I would just say thank you for your patience, because I'm so sorry I'm late, doesn't do as much positively for the nervous system as, thank you so much for being patient does. So, when you arrive, arrive on time or thank people for their patience if you're arriving late, and don't arrive late all the time. And when you arrive, pause, like, for yourself and for the people that are in the meeting. Maybe have some type of ritualistic meeting start that is a regulatory practice, like a minute of silence, like some deep breaths, like, something that gets some type of movement activity that gets oxygen flowing through the brain, because a lot of times, meetings are, like, on computers, or in seats, or in groups where you're seated. So, if you move before the meeting starts, it moves blood through the body. The blood goes up, up, up to the brain, and the blood carries oxygen, and when the blood goes to the brain and takes oxygen to the brain, the brain thinks more clearly. The brain needs oxygen to think clearly. Sometimes it's lacking some oxygen, so if you move, blood moves. When blood moves, oxygen moves. And where does it all go? To the brain, to help you think better. So, think about how to start your meetings. That helps to get you and others regulated. Also, there could be some, like, sensory elements that are, again, ritualistically started in the beginning of the meeting, or just embedded throughout the meeting, especially, you know, if the meeting is going to be dysregulating at any point to anyone. What are some, like, sensory-based grounding techniques that you could do in the meeting that aren't, like, too woo-woo and aren't too obvious, but, like, really simple things, like, sips of water. Water is regulating. So, if you take a sip of water, especially if it's, like, cold water, it shocks your body a little bit, or if it's a hot drink, like a tea, both those things are super grounding. Even if you give people the opportunity to get out of their seats, to stretch, to sit on the floor, like, what else in terms of sensory? Even, like, snacky things? If you have crunchy, chewy foods, that's really grounding, because it takes your jaw, and your jaw has to, like, chomp on those, and that actually feels really good. Are there, like, fidgety things that are, you know, for adults? What type of sensory-oriented activity could you include, or strategy, or thing, to help people stay grounded in the moment? And stay focused, too. I would encourage you, beginning, middle, end, whatever it is, one-word check-ins. Like, you don't need to ask everyone how they're doing, but it is helpful to take the temperature of the room at points, so can you do so very quickly and gauge that? So, what's a one-word check-in. Like, you could literally say, in one word, what's everyone's energy right now? And maybe they say it out loud, maybe that's uncomfortable, they feel on the spot, they can't be honest about how they really feel, so maybe it's a more, like, anonymous way to submit that. Maybe it's, like, writing it on a sticky note and sending it in, I don't know, but, if you have psychological safety, in advance of the meeting, they should be able to say, honestly, knowing that it won't be held against them, how they truly feel. If you see that tension is rising in the meeting, name it, seriously name it, and then immediately follow up with something to reground. So, I can see the tension is rising, I can feel the energy shifting. There's some things you could say. Let's take a breath, let's regroup, let's pause, let's do whatever is appropriate to do for this group. And then I would have a really quick, like, closure. So, maybe your closure is recapping and then reflecting, or maybe your closure is even, like, an appreciation. Like, what feels most clear or encouraging as we end the meeting today. Like, kind of tying both in, like, what feels clear, like, reflect to me what we talked about, and also what feels like encouraging about our meeting today. And let's practice some gratitude, because that sends you off on a happy, positive note. So, just a couple things to think about, but meetings can become, like, stability anchors? Places where people leave feeling more grounded than when they arrive, and that's ultimately the goal. We don't want people to come into our meetings and leave feeling more dysregulated, like, oh my gosh, I have a thousand new things I have to do. How do we get people so that they're grounded, and that meetings become a place of grounding, and resolution, and problem solving, and people leave feeling like they're stabilized and they're anchored, versus the opposite. That's the ultimate goal.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, what's it going to cost you if your meetings are frequently and regularly dysregulated, or places that people leave feeling really tense and defensive? Well, decision fatigue skyrockets because you're dysregulated, so any decision you have to make moving forward, or if you're overwhelmed with information, you don't even know where to start, but, like, you just can't think logically or clearly, which affects communication, and communication becomes more negative, and there are errors in communication, and there's haste. Psychological safety drops, so people have resistance to going to meetings, they avoid meetings, they just stay silent in meetings, we don't want any of those things either. And you'll start to see dysregulation from the meeting flow into the rest of the day of work, or the rest of the parts of work. So, for example, it could be in conversations people are having post-meeting, like side conversations, or it's like a water cooler conversations, like, bathroom conversations, especially if they're, like, quiet, like, not to the group and not positive. It could be back and forth emails or messages through systems that are kind of negative or causing more tension and defensiveness because of whatever happened in the meeting. And… if there is a collective dysregulation post-meeting, especially regularly, it's gonna significantly impact people's performance, like, not only how much do they produce, but, like, are they getting their work done on time? Is it done well? And that impacts whatever it is you are doing. Like, that impacts the greater mission, so… not ideal. Like, there's even more than that. That's, like, 4 or 5 things I just mentioned there that are the hidden costs of dysregulated meetings, but, honestly, there's… there's probably 25 other things that are also costs of having meetings that just derail people, so, the biggest thing is to think about from start to stop, from intro to conclusion, and in the middle, like, what can you do to ground yourself? What can you do to help other people ground? What can you do when it becomes ungrounded? So, take a minute and really just think about what's one thing that you could do to improve your meetings? What's, like, the area that needs the most work? What's one little shift you could make? And how you might introduce that. And then… like, after the first time you implement it, really stop and think and track and reflect, like, how did that change the energy? How did that change the focus? How did that change the tone? How does the team seem post-meeting with this shift? And maybe that one shift isn't enough, or maybe just the one exposure to the shift isn't enough, they need regular exposure and frequent touchpoints with that new strategy. Maybe they need a couple different, strategies added in to really feel a significant difference, but I'm telling you it's all related to biology, and if you can get some of these things shifted, the culture shifts, the regulation, or dysregulation, shifts, and everything becomes much more productive. The culture improves. So, it's worth taking a little bit of time to think about this. I mean, I even encourage you, like, if you're listening to this as a leader really think about, like, how does your… how do you think your meeting rhythms feel? Are they calm? Are they chaotic? Are they just connected? Are they fast? Like, what… what are you thinking? And even, I would, if you can, get anonymous feedback. Like, do, like, a one-question survey, or ask people, like, generally just have conversations with them, or, you know, ask them anonymously so they can feel like they can be honest with you, but how do they feel the rhythm of meetings are? What do they feel like when they come out of meetings? I'm not sure people even really think about it. Especially if the culture has consistently been dysregulated meetings, or chaotic meetings, they didn't even think about it, they just, I'm like, this is just how it is. Doesn't have to be how it is. In fact, it costs you a lot if that's the way it remains. In… in… that's the way it remains. So, the shifts are worth it. Tiny little micro-changes are what get us closer to sustainability. And just think about what's one tiny little thing you could do better.

Lauren Spigelmyer: If you want someone to help you dissect your meetings, and kind of audit them, and help you come up with a routine structure from beginning to end. That is why we created the Staff Sustainability Program, so… at Five Eyes, we work with both leadership and frontline staff to gather data from both, and put stabilizing practices in place, micro-changes, in a lot of different areas. Meetings are one of them, and we work alongside you to recognize what needs to shift and how to shift it. Sometimes you taking the time to really dig into all the things, because most of us don't have the time as leaders. We come alongside you and work with you and your staff to get you there, not just in meetings, in a lot of other areas, too. But if you want to learn more about the Staff Sustainability Program, we'll link in the show notes, but if you go to our website FiveIves.com, F-I-V-E-I-V-E-S dot com, and you go to the services page, it's the very first thing at the top of the services page. So, that's an opportunity to learn more, but also if you're wanting to learn more about just, like, regulation in general in the nervous system, and you happen to be in the field of education, or you happen to be in the field that works with students or children, we are running a course in partnership with University of Pennsylvania that runs every fall, spring, and summer. and the course will teach you all things that you need to know about nervous system, regulation, burnout prevention, all the things. And it's called Behavior Breakthrough. So, that course is closing up for the fall semester. We're going to start another cohort in January. If you want to learn about that, that is also on our website under our services page. So! Don't forget to lock in what you learned today by actually doing something with the information, like actually reflecting, or thinking about it, making the change, or talking to somebody about it, or having them listen to this episode and come up with some ideas together, but doing something, taking an action, because information is no good without action. Until next episode, I'm Lauren Spigelmyer, and thank you for joining me.


Categories: : Emotional Regulation

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