Onboarding as Co-Regulation

Twitter

Lauren explores how thoughtful onboarding supports safety, clarity, and long-term retention by grounding new hires in regulation and connection.

In this episode, Lauren explores onboarding as a nervous-system experience rather than paperwork. She shows how predictability, belonging, clarity, and emotional tone shape a new hire’s first 30 to 90 days and influence whether they feel safe, confident, and connected.

She also offers regulating structures like clear roadmaps, warm welcomes, buddy systems, and communication norms to help organizations create a more grounded onboarding experience.

Sign up for the University of Pennsylvania Behavior Breakthrough Accredited Course

Learn about the Staff Sustainability System a proven system to reduce burnout at the root

Other related resources from Five Ives:

Blog Post:

Podcast:

Our Online Programs:

Subscribe to our mailing list and find out more about Stress, Trauma, Behavior and the Brain!

If you’re looking for support as you grow your organization’s capacity for caring for staff and the community, we would love to be part of that journey.
Schedule a free discovery call and let us be your guide

As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

---

Transcript:

Lauren Spigelmyer: Alright, we're talking about onboarding today, which is more fun than the last episode, we talked about policy, but I feel like we made policy more fun, the way we talked about it in the last episode, so…Today I'm gonna talk about one, the significance and importance of onboarding, but also how onboarding is a form of co-regulation. If you haven't heard this term from me, I use it all the time, because it's one of the biggest influencers on today's society, and people feeling really stressed in their personal lives, in their home lives, in their work lives, so… It's extremely important. But we are, I am, really, going to talk about how the leaders of the organization really about how onboarding functions as a really powerful nervous system regulator or… dysregulator. It either grounds new staff members in safety, in clarity, or it floods them with threat signals, which we definitely don't want. So, I'm gonna give you some practical tools here to turn onboarding into a source of regulation, maybe even peace, calm, belonging. And, like, early efforts at retention, because that's ultimately what all of this is doing, is we want staff to be retained. We don't have to keep hiring new staff members. That's a major problem, time consumption, money consumption, but also it influences culture. It's a lot of work for everyone. But also, I want them to enjoy their jobs and be productive, because that influences culture too, which influences everyone else's productivity. So…Let's jump right into it.

Lauren Spigelmyer: I think most organizations probably view onboarding as more of, like, paperwork? Like, they might even call it orientation, but in reality, it's really the first major moment, and Jessica and I talk a lot about, like, moments move into, you know, like, meaning-making and memories, and memories, and then into meaning-making, and it forms how we feel about something. So, it's really the first major moment of interpretation from a new staff member, like, how do they feel? Their nervous system is really deciding, is this a safe place for me to work? Like, interview, then day one, and everything to follow that in the next, like, 30 to 90 days, however long your onboarding sequence is. So… When people are starting a new job, like, any job, even if it's a job that's, like, really aligned, like, maybe even easy for them, they're very excited about any new start to a new job puts people into an elevated arousal state, meaning, like, an elevated state of dysregulation, because they don't know exactly what's coming. And although that can be a good thing, and it can, you know, build more resiliency and growth can come of it. It also means there's some uncertainty, and uncertainty equals threat. So, we want to try and diminish the additional uncertainty, because we don't want them to feel psychologically threatened on their first day of work, or their first 30 days of work, or even really at all, but inevitable at some point. So… When we don't have a clear onboarding sequence that's grounded in nervous system regulation, every missing piece of information. every, like… Viewing of disorganization or awkward pause or moment that is… that people aren't sure what to do next, the people that are leading them, the people that are guiding them, the people that are onboarding them. Every unclear expectation intensifies that stress response, intensifies that threat detection. That is not a good thing, especially not in the first 30 days of a new job. So, when you are a new hire, when you come in, your subconscious is scanning for all these things and some of your conscious, too, but these are really important to know, because this is how people are going to determine how they feel about this job moving forward, and it really impacts, like, how long they will stay, and how much they will produce, and do they want to come to work, and will they do well at work, and do they impact the culture positively?

Lauren Spigelmyer: Number one. Predictability. They need to know what happens first and what comes next, and it needs to be super clear. Super, super, super clear. This is where, like, your SOPs come into place, so if you're not familiar, your standard operating procedures. It's something that, like, you have sequences mapped out for what people should do and how they should do it, and it should be very clear. They also really need clues of belonging. This one is so important, so important, just give me the chills. They need to feel like they belong as a part of the organization, that people acknowledge them, people are excited to see them, people are excited that they're hired, people are excited that they're there, and people are engaging with them. That is important. That is a biological. Belonging. They also need to be very clear on what their role is, and I feel like when people's roles are unclear, they're doing multiple roles. Things get a little muddy, the nervous system starts to get dysregulated, and everything goes downhill. So, the role needs to be very clear. Do they know what they are supposed to do and what success looks like. In our family system, and I do it in our workplace, and I do it in our business, and I do it in… classrooms, all these things. We have values. Family values, classroom values, work values over there. And we pick, like, three-ish we statements, and we list out things that we value. So, like, in our home, it's like, we are caring, and we… or no, I'm sorry, we are kind, we treat people with grace, we take care of our bodies and minds, we solve problems together. Not only do I define those values for my family system, I give them a list of, like, what it looks like and what it doesn't look like, because that makes it really clear what is showing kindness and grace. Here's what it is, here's what it isn't. That way, you know, individual, child, partner, what success looks like. The last one, I feel like, is… Influential. But harder to influence, because as a leader, like, you monitor yourself, and you monitor others, but, like, you can't always fully control others. Emotional tone. Like, what's the cultural tone? What's the emotional tone? Like, when I walk into an organization, I can tell within seconds what the emotional tone is. I can hear it in people's voice, I can see it in their body language, I can see it in the way that they're acting as they're completing their job. So, for example, like a disruptive emotional tone of the organization. Hurried. Always hurried. What is it? Haste makes waste, but also, like, too much too fast won't last. And also, rushing all the time is a clear sign and indicator that someone's in a dysregulated part of the nervous system. Are people tense? Are they defensive? Those are also signs. Communication, harsh. On the opposing side, like, if your emotional tone is positive, people are warm, people are welcoming, people seem happy, their tones seem to have a higher intonation. Like, those are all indicators that your body is looking for, an individual's body is looking for, not even on a conscious level. So, some of it conscious, but most of it unconscious. So, we have to really think about these things as we're planning our onboarding. Example is, like, if someone shows up on their first day of work, and… maybe the leader is prepared for their arrival, but the rest of the team isn't prepared for their arrival. We've just sent their nervous system, and probably everybody else's nervous system has to deal with them, like, a signal that says…Y'all are on your own, and that's not a good place to be. Like, as someone under leadership that brings somebody in, like, I want to know someone's coming, I want to know what to expect, I want to know how to guide them, like, I need… I need those SOPs for myself, as the person that's going to be onboarding them.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so let's talk about this part, which is, like, the first 30 days. So how do we onboard, as an organizational whole that really, like, builds attachment? Like, this is really important. Attachment building, we talk about, like, young kids, but really, like, it's the same when you're onboarding someone. Like, their attachment is going to securely bond them to the organization. If they're securely bonded, even if things get stressful, they're more likely to stay, even if pay isn't quite where they need it to be, they're more likely to stay. So, in the first 30 days we need to have a huge influence on how psychologically safe they feel. So that was all the things I just listed above. We also need to help them feel confident in their role, and help boost their confidence, and build their confidence, and hopefully they come in with some of their own confidence, but, like, it is still our job to help them to feel confident in their role. We need to ensure that they can trust leadership. We need to give them signs, we need to give them clear indicators, we need to be clear and be warm, and be welcoming, and that will build trust in leadership. And most importantly, everyone's gonna reach a point where they're, like, stuck, or they don't know what to do, or they're confused. They need to feel comfortable asking for help. If people do not feel comfortable asking for help in an organization. Whew. If I have to explain something 13 times to someone, they're not getting it, it might be that it's not them. It might be that I'm not being clear in my expectation, or my SOP isn't clear. It could be them, but it is probably more likely that it's a communication or clarity issue on my end, so… In the first 30 days, I want positive psychological safety. I want them to feel confident coming to work, and in their position. I want them to be able to trust me as leadership, and I want them to feel very comfortable asking me for help. We need consistency, we need responsiveness, we need predictability, and that all moves us into stability. And that's what we want. We want the organization to be stabilized, we want the people to be stabilized. If the people to stay stabilized, the organization to stay stabilized. That's all really important to us.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, let's talk about some things that our onboarding structures that would be considered regulating onboarding structures. Elements that really create safety. Number one is a clear roadmap. Like, here is your first week, here is your first month, here's your first 90 days. Like, this needs to be so clear. They need to know where they're going. If they don't know where they're going, they're bouncing all over the place. Like, think about trying to literally get somewhere without a roadmap. You would struggle, probably, unless you existed before Google Maps and Apple Maps, and you know how to navigate the road without a map. They need a roadmap, and it needs to be absolutely clear. That's important. Number two, I might even put number two above number one. Yeah, I would. Warm welcome rituals. I feel like this is the most important. When I walk into a building, when I walk into an office space, when I walk into an organization, this is my number one. If I don't feel this right away from the beginning, I'm like, don't need the roadmap, I'm not even coming in the door. Warm welcome rituals. What does that look like? It's like a very personalized welcome. Like, it doesn't take much to, like, do something to really allow the person to feel personally welcomed by the organization. Like, maybe it's a gift, maybe it's not. Maybe it's just a handwritten note, but, like, something that helps them to feel welcome on a very personal level. It could even be, like, intro videos from the staff, and, like, they don't need to re-record them every time, just have them record one intro video that doesn't state someone's name. Or even creating, like, staff buddy systems helps, because think about, like, when you're a new person to a new school, maybe you've never had to experience this before. I mean, I was always in the same school system, but I did have to move buildings as I got into higher grade levels, and that felt kind of this way. When you go into a new school, you don't know people, potentially. And if a new school, you definitely don't know people unless you knew somebody before you came in. That's scary. That's psychologically… kind of terrifying, even if you're like, I'm good, confident, like, it still rattles you a little bit, because of your sense of belonging. So, if we can buddy up people, they at least come in feeling like they have someone to sit with, or to talk to, or, you know, to go to to ask questions. So, buddy systems are really good. So, warm welcome rituals. And when I tell you these things, underneath each of these, like, the roadmap, the warm welcome, like, there are probably hundreds of other things that you could do that I'm not going to mention for sake of, like, keeping it short and just giving you a few examples. I'm going to list out a few things, but there's lots of ways to warmly welcome someone. Kind of a part of their roadmap, and this could be a part of it or separate, but, like, they need extreme clarity on their role. Like, what is their role? What is essential? What matters most? What doesn't matter yet? Like, what is expected? What does success look like? talking too fast. So… make that utmost clear. Like, I remember when I built my onboarding packet, people's roles were, like, a whole page or two, and it had all these things listed out, and they were required to read that onboarding document and sign it before they started their first day with me. And y'all, this was when my organization was a baby, like… it was, like, 2 years old, and 2 years old meaning, like, I did it as, like, a side hustle with no help for 2 years, and I was, like, slowly building it while I was working full-time. And I finally brought on a couple of virtual assistants, and even though I didn't hire them as full-time employees, and they were just such a small level of support, I still built an onboarding packet for them. And I still had them read it and sign it, because I wanted them to feel welcome, I wanted them to be clear on their role, I wanted them to know where they were going next and what was expected of them. Communication norms. Teach people how to connect, but definitely how to communicate, how decisions are made, how they flow, how to ask for help or support. You know, all of these things, people may not know how to do this, or even if they do, it may differ in this organization. They might not know how to do it in this role, or with this group, or in this community, or in this organization. So, be really clear and succinct on communication aspects. Teaching people how to connect buddy system, how decisions move or flow, maybe it's a flow chart, decision-making chart, and where or who to go to to ask for support, because that's going to be an issue at some point. The last one is… Really giving them an opportunity to kind of, like, shadow, or… have someone model for them, and there's not always an opportunity for this, because if it's a role where it's the only person that exists in that role, it could be kind of hard, but maybe they can shadow or model you, because you maybe have been doing the thing before they arrived. Even if there's, like, something that's slightly…close to this, it's not a human being, like, anything at all that gives them an idea of what it looks like when they're watching someone who knows how to do it. Because when they can see someone calmly do it and, like, fluently and comfortably do it, that regulated person who's doing it and having them watch, having the new individual watch, that helps them to regulate. Like, it, like, plants the seed in their brain that they already know how to do it, even though they might not know how to do it, because they've just seen someone do it in a really, like, succinct, calm, clear manner. And it gives them, like, the intro steps of confidence, of like, oh, okay, I see how it's done now. Now I can do it. I remember I did this for a company I worked for that was a… digital company only. I was completely onboarded in 60 days digitally, and what this looked like for me was, like, I was in a training role, so it was me watching videos of other people training. Even if they were training live groups, or they were not, they're just, like, mock videos, but those videos are actually really helpful. It was really helpful for me to see someone

do the training. I'm like, oh, that's what they said, or that's how they handed that part, or that's what it looks like. That… that alone was, like, the most helpful thing on my onboarding sequence. So don't… don't skip this, even if it requires you to make a video of yourself doing it, or somebody making a video of somebody else doing it. It doesn't always need to be live, it can be recorded.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay. What happens is the brain downshifts when predictability and, like, regulated, attuned relationships are present. That's what we want. We want the brain to downshift, because too often, organizations, the brain is like, wire up, here we go. Lack of predictability, lack of clarity, people are in chaos? Now I'm in chaos. We don't want that, obviously. We want the brain to downshift and be like I know what to expect. My role is clear. I know where to go next. I know what to ask for for help. And everyone seems to be mostly regulated. We have moments of dysregulation, especially if your, like, work is seasonally more busy than others, and that's okay, because we know what will come out of it, and people still stay regulated through that. So, there's going to be moments of dysregulation. But it is the people's job who work there to understand how to get regulated and understand co-regulation, because they're regulating helps others to regulate, even when those other people are dysregulated, so they can backwards influence the regulation.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, here's the last thing. Common dysregulating onboarding mistakes. This is, like, my favorite part. I loved it for last. That's for last. Oh, okay, I'm gonna give you… Sixth? Six different onboarding mistakes. Are you ready? Overloading new hires with information they can't integrate. just… just not overloading new hires with information. Too much too fast won't last. I think Jim Quick says that. It's so true. If you're going to give them a lot of information, they need ways to remember it. We just can't hold that much information in our brains, so either implement doses of information and let it settle, like, give them a little break to let it settle in and, like, reset. And that should be, like, every 30 minutes, max 60. Or teach them ways to integrate it alongside learning it. Throwing them into the deep end. I feel like I see this one all the time, like, you come in, especially if you have a lot of experience, like, if you're hiring someone who's got a lot of experience, like, oh, they know what to do, like, just throw them into the deep end. No, because every organization is different. The role might be similar, but still, so many things are different from organization to organization to organization, even if it's the same role. So, don't expect or anticipate that they already know how to do everything. They still need your clarity, they still need your presence, they still need to know the sequences, and the successes, all the things. You should treat them the same as if it were a new individual, and if they can bypass some of the things faster, because they already know them, great, awesome. Then we can, like, check that they know them. Don't just expect that they know them. This is a big one, I think just because time is so… of essence. Withholding feedback until things go wrong. Like, don't wait to give someone feedback until something has gone wrong, because the first point of feedback that you want to give them is not a negative one. You want to give them lots of positive ones before you give them negative ones, so catch them doing things right, and reward them for doing things right before something goes wrong, and that's your first point of contact. Like, not a good thing to feel. Like, immediately puts people in a defense state, or, like, especially if someone's like can we talk about something? Like, I hate that statement, like… if I can't do it right away, or like, even if that's how the conversation starts, I'm like, what did I do wrong? And some of that is my own work, like, I didn't do anything wrong, so why do I need to forecast or mind-read that I've done something wrong? So, there's some individual work to be done, maybe, on that, but ultimately, just make sure your first touchpoint is positive, be what your first many touchpoints are positive. Put a sequence in place where you're rewarding people for doing good things. Here's another one. When you have a larger organization, you have multiple leaders, and this individual or these individuals have multiple touchpoints with multiple leaders, conflicting information is a real problem. Like, that's where the clarity piece comes in. Make sure that the clarity and the steps are all there, and that everybody has access to them, because conflicting information from multiple leaders creates a lot of confusion, and we don't want a lack of clarity in the first 30, 60, or 90 days. They also need to know, like, if you have a mission or a vision, which I hope you do, and you have… values, like, organizational values, which I hope you do. Most people just kind of overlook these things, or, like, browse by them, or like, read our mission statement. If they're really passionate about this work, and maybe they're not, but if they are, and they're, you know, we hope that everyone that we hire is, like, a passionate individual about the work that they're doing, because that makes them stay longer and work harder. We need to introduce them and make it very clear what our mission, our vision, and our values are, what our why is, because I need to be grounded in, like, the buy-in. If they don't have buy-in, why are they going to work hard? They don't know why they're working hard. So even if they don't have that in the beginning, before they've taken the job, make sure they have that in the onboarding sequence and process. That is extremely important. Why are we doing this work? It's likely, and possibly even early that… Someone is going to feel overwhelmed. Like, onboarding is stressful. 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, all of it. You don't really get into a flow until at least, like, 90 days in, maybe 60, but probably closer to 90. So, make sure that there's a support plan for when someone gets overwhelmed, and that they know where to go, and they know how to ask, and they don't feel shamed for asking. It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed in the onboarding process. Preemptively plan that in advance so that when it happens, you know how to respond, and they have a safe place to go. Okay, so, those are your… I would say most more common onboarding mistakes. There are plenty of other mistakes that we could add there, but I'm gonna stick with those as being, like, the more commonly seen ones. So, the impact of all of this is if people don't feel safe and clear and there's a lack of structure, and a lack of predictability, and lack of consistency, and lack of routine in the first day, but really the first 30, 60, 90 days, freeze happens, shutdown happens, self-doubt happens, and turnover increases in the first 90 days. Your… really kind of securely attached in those first 90 days or not. So we want to make sure that they are securely attached.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so here's what I'm going to ask you to do. Here's your, like, your… action step. Create a first 10-day structure. Like, if you are working with onboarding, or do you have access to anything related to onboarding, think about your first 10 days to, like, first 2 weeks. And think about the structure with 3 parts in mind. So, like, map out your structure, look at your structure, and, like, organize it into predictability, people interactions, purpose. And then, once you have those 3 mapped out in your onboarding process, Pick one and just look at strengthening one, even if it's, like, one little tiny strength. So, all the things that I described above all fall into the categories of predictability, people, or purpose, pick one area, and then just pick one little micro change to make in that area, and as you see the success with that micro-change, then implement another micro-change, and another micro change, and then pick a new category, and then pick a new category. So don't… try not to bounce around too much, try to just do little tiny micro-changes, and then as you see them positively influence the onboarding process and sequence. Then do another, then move areas. Don't jump around to all the different areas, because that will make for chaos, which is the problem in the first place, which is why we're doing this. So… Okay. Here's a reflection prompt, and then I'll let y'all go. What nervous system message or messages does our onboarding process send? So, when you think about your process and you close your eyes, you kind of mentally walk through it, what messages does that sequence send to someone's nervous system? Is that going to dysregulate them or regulate them? Which one? And if you think it's going to be more dysregulating than regulating, you should definitely change your process.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, if you want to learn more about any of this, we go into all of it in our Staff Sustainability Program. So, if you go to FiveEyes.com, and you go to our services page, the staff sustainability, like, map is there for you, and it maps out how we help organizations walk through all these steps to make sure onboarding and policy and all the things are in alignment with nervous system regulation, grounded in nervous system science, and trauma-informed as well. Also, with a little bit of dash of compassionate care, but… If you are not necessarily looking at this for an organization as a whole, but you're like, okay, well, like, do you have anything for, like, specifics, especially, like, we work a lot with the education sector. We have a program called Behavior Breakthrough that works through, like, staff burnout, and dealing with big behaviors, and how to respond to all these things, so it's like a micro version of the Staff Sustainability Program, Staff Sustainability System, but in a course level for educators. And we have that running right now, and it's gonna wrap up here in the mid-December, and it's gonna run again in the spring, and again in the summer. So, if you're interested in that, it's also on our services page on the on-demand resources, or if you go to the home page at the very bottom, you'll see, like, on-demand resources, and the course is called Behavior Breakthrough. So either of those things will get you access to this information, or if you're just like, I just want to know more, I don't… I don't… I just… I wanna know more, that's all, you can go to our contact page and ping myself or Jessica through the contact page, and we will schedule a little call with you to chat about what's going on and if or how we can support in any way. Alright. Don't forget to take the action step, or action steps, and do that little reflection prompt and share any of this information with someone else that you think could benefit, especially if it's someone in your organization, and you can kind of team up and work together. Maybe share the episode with them and talk through it. And next episode… We are going to be moving into more parts… more parts of nervous system regulation at the organizational level. So, until next episode, I'm Lauren Spigelmyer, and thanks for joining me.


Categories: : Regulation Strategies

© 2025 Five Ives