Part 1: Regulation in the Real World

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Lauren redefines regulation in chaotic moments and shares simple, real-world tools you can use anytime without extra time or calm required.

In this episode, Lauren explores what it really means to regulate in the midst of everyday chaos. Building on the Five Ives framework she and her partner developed, she explains why common strategies like breathwork or meditation often fall flat when we are overwhelmed and in survival mode. Regulation, she reminds us, is not about staying calm all the time. It is about noticing when we are dysregulated and learning how to recover quickly and effectively.

Lauren shares practical, real world tools that do not require extra time, just a shift in intention. From humming in the car to squeezing your toes while standing in line, she offers simple ways to pair regulation with routines you already have. Whether you are barely making it to lunch or trying to prevent burnout, this episode offers accessible, meaningful strategies that meet you right where you are.

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Transcript:


Lauren Spigelmyer: I am so stoked for this particular series. One of the things that Jessica, my business partner and I do really well, humbly, humble brag, is we integrate nervous system and neuroscience and trauma-informed care, which is really just like neuroscience and nervous system, understanding and education. We embed that into everything we do. We're like obsessive about it. And why I like this is because When you understand these systems well, you understand why recommended supports don't work. And we're really good at putting strategies in place that people can use in any type of environment that don't feel like a lot of extra things on your plate or like hard to do things like how can I seamlessly integrate this to what I'm doing?

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, today's episode is a new series called Regulation in the World, Real World. In this particular episode, I'm gonna talk a little bit about like how do we integrate and learn to regulate? on nonstop days and for most of us that's every day. Like there's so much planned, there's so much going on. I go from work to kids to coaching to whatever and we're like gone from early in the morning to late evening and there's no stopping. So, how do I add regulation in here because that schedule alone is this regulating? Or even if I do have a little bit of time, like how do I naturally and seamlessly integrate moments of regulatory practices into what I'm already doing? So, let me like forewarn you that when I say regulation, most people will be like, yeah, yeah, like the meditation, the breath work stuff, mindfulness. Yes, those are forms of regulation, but those are ones that we don't talk about that much because the beautiful little thing about this particular session and a lot of our work at Five Ives is Jessica and I created this framework called the Five Ives. It's our business name. It's the foundation of the work that we do. And basically we have like a step series and more like a continuum. And everyone falls somewhere on this continuum. And so do workplaces. You will ask people to put themselves on the continuum. we'll also ask people to put your department on the continuum. Put your entire work organization on the continuum. Where do they fall? So, basically, this continuum is a way to figure out how much or little are you regulated. And being dysregulated is not a bad thing. That's a human thing. It's totally okay and totally normal in today's world, all the stressors and the sensory input and all things going on. It's a really stressful time to be alive. And that said, it's not not okay to be stressed or to be overwhelmed. It's learning how to find homeostasis when that's impossible to stop. There's a lot of times where you just like can't stop the stress and overwhelm. But what you can do is balance it out with regulating based activities that aren't meditation, mind, phonism, breathwork.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, this five Ives framework is basically like at the most extreme dysregulated level, which is survive. Most of those things can't be accessed. Like someone who isn't in a survival state, we think of someone in survival state is like maybe someone who's just experienced an extreme trauma. That's not necessarily true. A lot of us are in survival state from chronic stress. So, we just did a series not so long ago about the Five Ives. What is each Ive and what does it feel like and look like to be in that personally and organizationally? But survivors, like I'm just so overwhelmed. can't like be productive or be effective. And you can have like high functioning survive. I have myself been very high functioning survive. So, people would have never guessed I'm in a survival state because I look externally like I'm doing fine. The problem is these states are about how you feel internally. And sometimes we can see them externally, but really what's going on inside? So, a lot of these, some of the strategies that most people recommend for people who are dysregulated or feeling overwhelmed aren't going to work for a survival based state. Things can do really simple in survival. Then you've got revive where you're learning to kind of still regulate reactively, but you're also learning to regulate preventatively. And that's where maybe the breath work and the meditation and the mindfulness, maybe that would work better in revive. The best place for some of those higher level regulation based strategies work is the third stage, strive. Because strive means you're not falling backwards into dysregulation quite as frequently, you're a little bit more stabilized. You can even think about, like, planning for the future, like, what comes next, and you're a little bit more organized. So, some of those strategies that are kind of harder to achieve when you're in such a dysregulated state work better when you are in a more regulated state and survive. And then you've got thrive, and then you've got hive. So, thrive is basically like, I'm grooving, like I am, that moment's dysregulated, but rarely. And I'm like, I can catch it really fast. I can get back really fast. And Hive is like, I'm so good at this that, like, I should be a model for people and in the most like non-arrogant, humble way. But like I have worked so hard to figure this out and to like mold and improve my system that I could train other people to do this, or I could like coach other people to do this. Or just by people being around me, they seem more regulated because I can co-regulate people really well. Basically I'm not getting influence or other people's states, but I'm influencing. other people's states in a positive way. So, a little bit of Five Ives in a nutshell that relates to this episode because the strategies we're going to talk about are really more like survival, maybe revive based strategies. What are things that we can do in a nonstop, in the nonstop chaos of the everyday day?

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay. So, we're learning how to stay regulated when there's no time to slow down. So, things, like, if you're a teacher, no lunch break planning period is completely full of things. There's no peace. There's no stop. I have lunch duty. I have recess duty. I have, I'm going to run right from this track coaching practice, I'm right from this, home to my family who has to go to this practice. There's no time to regulate Lauren. So, let's talk about how to integrate it into those daily moments. We don't necessarily need more time to regulate, especially when we're in survival state. We just need a little bit more intention. You don't need 20 minutes of meditation to feel like, okay, I feel better. You really could feel better in 10 seconds, but you just need to use those 10 seconds on purpose. So, what are you doing that time? It's the spiral loop that we get caught in. This is gonna break the pattern, break the loop, and it brings you back down closer to homeostasis. Yes, if you do something for 20 minutes, is gonna help your system, but we can't always achieve that no matter we have the time for that. So, what does it look like to do something in just a few seconds that's down regulating? Okay, so what the nervous system really is saying and what the nervous system really needs here. One, regulation equates to feeling psychologically safe and physically safe. And it also really likes predictability. It likes rhythm, it likes routine that helps it to regulate. So, I think a lot of people think like, regulation means I'm sitting still, I'm in silence, I'm not moving, my body is completely calm. Not necessarily, just do you feel internally safe? And is there kind of routine rhythm predictability embedded so that internally it's like a rhythm, like your body feels rhythmic and that helps you to stay really regulated. So, when you are in a survive or revive state, what actually helps is more repetition, like short, more frequency, more repetition, cues of safety to the body and mind. So, it could be some breath options, but it doesn't have to be like 30 minutes of breath work, 10 minutes of breath work. It could be like three big breaths in and out, or something that I will try and do like when I wake or with my coffee, I still sometimes struggle to remember, like breathe in for four, hold for five, breathe out for six. Like that doesn't take long. I only need do it like three times. It probably takes me 20 seconds, if even that. Maybe it's just being more intentional about when you're in your car, you're like creating music and singing because singing vibrates your vocal area and your vocal area stimulates your vagus nerve. And I'm not going to go into all the science of that, but basically when you stimulate your vagus nerve, that puts you back into homeostasis or closer to it. So, singing more, just being intent, like you're already probably in the car. What does it look like to just sing? Even if don't sing, you just hum along with the song, it's still the same effect. It could be just having a mantra that you say to yourself. There's this one woman on social media that was, I think, like a semi-professional dancer, like high up in the dance world, and had a couple kids, and is now staying home. And there's a phrase that she always says, which is, we're all okay. Not it's okay, because it's often not okay, but we are all okay, are going to be okay. And just by repeating that mantra, it tells your brain and body like, come back down, it's gonna be okay. Like this is just a moment, it's just a moment, I can get through the moment. There are hundreds of strategies that you could do, thousands, in just a couple seconds that would down-regulate you. This might be a great time to pop into an AI system and be like, okay, I need something I can do in like 10 seconds or 30 seconds or one minute to help my nervous system get regulated, to help myself feel more grounded. And we're just looking for short, repeated patterns that feel really good to you. Best and easiest to pair these with something that already exists. Like for me, one of the things I'm working really hard on that's downregulating for me is spending more time in prayer. But I can never remember to do it randomly throughout the day. So, one of the things I've tried to pair is as soon as I touch my hands on the steering wheel to remember to just say a quick prayer, like five seconds, 10 seconds, maybe. And I'm just trying to remember to remind myself when you touch the wheel, say a prayer. So, again, simple, easy, doesn't take long. And pairing it with something I'm already doing, I'm pairing it with a cue that already exists. Could be your coffee in the morning, could be that when you touch your door handle to go outside, it could be when you wake up your child, it could be when you move the sheets to get out of bed. when your alarm goes off. I mean, there are hundreds of like micro spots in your day where you could stop and add a little bit of regulation. So, regulation can be used in some of those scenarios where it's preventative and you could also use it when you're feeling dysregulated. So, use it reactively either or both help. But if we can embed it more frequently, so especially when we're doing it preventatively, it becomes a repetition and repetition is rhythm and rhythm is regulating. So, that's kind what's going on here. The body really is looking for more repetition than it is length or duration, if that makes sense.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, where do we work it in? Let me give you some examples here. Like transition rituals. So, transitioning in and out of meetings. Transition from like a project to opening up your email. Like a lot of those things can be triggering. Meetings, emails, messages, whatever they are. So, when I have to do those things, I might... with a micro response that's calming. So, when I come out of a meeting that's tough or just a meeting that feels like overwhelming, because of what I'm asked to do, which might feel like a lot of things, I can just come out and just jump right into work and just be dysregulated and stay dysregulated and not be super productive, or I can take 5 to 10 seconds and just give myself a little self-hug. I just like wrap my arms around my shoulders and just squeeze really tight and be like, I'm okay. I'm safe. It's all okay. So, that mantra paired with like the self hug or the self hold can be helpful. Or if I have to check a messaging system that I know is going to be triggering, I just take a big, huge exhale before I open that messaging system. And maybe I need to do a micro regulation after I open it as well. So, I'm being preventative and reactive there. But like little micro transitions that happen in your day pair something with it. It could even be like when you're walking somewhere, like walking into the building, walking out of the building, walking to lunch, whatever it is. Can you pair that movement that already exists in your day with another grounding support, like a phrase, a mantra, a breath, whatever it is. Even like think about how many times a day we might, like, see ourselves in the mirror, brushing our teeth in the morning, getting ready for going to the bathroom. Like a couple of times I ever go to the bathroom, most bathrooms have mirrors. Like it sounds kind of weird, kind of crazy, but if you're in the bathroom washing your hands, we're usually just like wash, wash, wash, wash, get out, move, next thing. We're moving so fast. What happens if every time you wash your hands, you just pick up your gaze and just look at yourself in the mirror? Like just look at yourselves in the, yourself in the eye. And that sounds odd, but even if you're like duly like look at yourselves in the eye and then smile, sounds weird but that sends your body this message of like, I'm here, I'm present, I'm okay, cause I'm in the present. What's stressing me out is probably in the future. So, if I look at myself and I go quick little gaze at myself, especially if I smile. The signals are going to my brain to be like, okay, it's all okay. It's all okay. Even the, these are hard to remember to do, but if you can like remind yourself, put in your phone, put up an environmental reminder or just like try and will yourself into remembering to do it when you're doing the thing. But like when you're standing in line for something, standing in line, waiting for coffee, standing in line, waiting for groceries, just like squeeze your toes into your shoes on the ground. Like, almost like you're squeezing your toes into mud or sand. And then just like feeling that tension, hold it for like 10 seconds and let go. That's actually really grounding, actually gets some blood moving through your system because you're tensing up and then releasing. And when your blood moves through your system, it carries oxygen to your brain. When there's more oxygen into your brain, you think more clearly, you're more awake, you're more alert, you're better at solving problems, you're better at regulating your emotions. So, even something so simple as like squeezing your feet into the ground while you're waiting in line, while you're standing on your feet can help to down regulate you. So, there's a whole bunch of ways to work it in. But again, you can use AI to like create a plan for you or to help you. Cause the problem is I can't say like, do this or do this or do this. I'm giving you some examples, but what's regulating for people is different based on who they are, what they like, their interests, how they show up in the world. You know, meditation is something I desire to get better at. It's not something I'm great at. So, we have to try really hard at. So, it's not good for me when I'm in a survival state. So, it's not the best option, but what is and what does work is like a self-hold or self-hug, maybe a couple quick deep breaths. I say quick, meaning not really quick, like just three of them instead of like 10 minutes of them. So, I had to figure out what works for me in my life. Prayer at the wheel, like, that works for me, but not everybody is that. That will not work for everyone. Not everyone is religious. So, figure out what works for you is what I'm getting at.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so let's do a little bit of myth busting here. I think most of us probably think that we need to be calm all the time to say that we are regulated or we can regulate our emotions well or we're a regulated person. The truth is regulation is not about being calm or zen 24-7. I’d actually be concerned there's something more psychologically going on if you're happy all the time and never struggling. That's a little bit non-human in a way. We are humans, we have emotions and we feel big feelings and some less less big than others. But ultimately what I'm getting at is regulation is not about staying calm all the time. Regulation is about recognizing that you're not feeling the way you'd like to feel and learning to recover quicker. So, when I'm nervous system, like leaving your window of tolerance, you've heard me reference that before, like how much you can tolerate and to become dysregulated. I feel I am dysregulated. Okay, I recognized it quickly. What can I do to get? back into homeostasis, what can I do to feel more grounded? What can I do to come back down? Or if you're disconnected, dissociative, what can I do to come back up? What can I do very quickly to recover? That's the goal, not staying regulated all the time. Regulation is not about, Jessica and I joke sometimes we're like, don't love self-care. We don't love the term self-care. It's not about like self-care. She calls it aware care. Cause are you aware of how you feel and are you doing something to recover? Are you doing something caring to yourself with yourself, every time to recover. So, it's more about like in the trenches strategies for people who are barely surviving to lunchtime. That's what it's about.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay. So, here's your application. Pick one thing, one thing that you want to try and do preventatively every day, like pair it with a routine. So, maybe it's a phrase you're going to say, maybe it's like a self-hold, maybe it is a breath thing. Maybe it's humming, maybe it's singing, maybe it's whatever you said choose and pair it with something that you're already doing. And maybe even put a sticky note, like, I would say their morning coffee, like put a sticky note beside the coffee. If it's when you wake up, put a sticky note in the mirror. If it's in your car on your steering wheel, a sticky note on your steering wheel to remind yourself to do it until it becomes habitual.

Lauren Spigelmyer: All right, that is it for this episode of Returning to Us podcast. If you want more strategies that meet you in the messy middle, we have a solution for you. If you are an educator or someone that works with kids, we created an online course program called Behavior Breakthrough. So, it's really about dealing with kiddos who are struggling with behavior and then adults that are feeling burnt out from all of the big behaviors. So, kind of like real life, real solutions that are easily seamlessly integrated to help kids to stay regulated, but also to help adults from feeling so burnt out. So, you're not necessarily needing to buy Himalayan salt lamp or find more free time or more time to teach things. It's all seamlessly integrated. It's not these like... out there strategies that aren't possible and don't relate to your situation at all. It’s built into what you're already doing. So, micro adjustments that make a macro change. So, this course runs summer, fall and spring. And when you take this course, you get 4.5 credits through the University of Pennsylvania. So, it's an accredited course program that Jessica and I run. So, if you would like to learn more about it, we're linking it on our website in the podcast page. So, if you go to this podcast episode, and you go to the link that says Behavior Breakthrough Course link information. Also, I can send it to you if it's just easier to shoot me an email. My email is lauren at fiveives.com. So, F-I-V-E-I-V-E-S.com and I'll send you the info link. But we are wrapping up the summer cohort, about to launch the fall cohort and this is the first cohort that has run through it and it's been so awesome. It's been so awesome to get the feedback from this course and how people are feeling like their family systems are changing, their classrooms are changing, that their mindset is changing and they're already feeling relief when they're on the verge of burnout. Truly, truly breakthrough experiences. All right, next episode, we're gonna talk about how to kind of manipulate in a positive way. We think manipulation is a bad thing, but this is good thing. In this way, manipulate your mornings to make them work for you and to help kind of start your day off. with regulation instead of chaos. So, until next episode, I'm Lauren Spigelmyer, and thank you for joining me.


Categories: : Regulation Strategies

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