Why Women in Leadership Micromanage

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Lauren explores why women in leadership micromanage and shares steps to shift from control to co-regulation for healthier teams.

In the second episode of the Staff Sustainability series, Lauren explores why women in leadership often turn to micromanagement and how it’s rooted in stress, trauma, and cultural expectations. She shares practical steps to move from control to co-regulation, helping leaders build safer, more sustainable workplaces grounded in trust and collaboration.

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Transcript:

Lauren Spigelmyer: I am very excited for today's episode. It's the next step from the previous episode because we talked about kind of some parts and pieces that disrupt company culture and leadership and just make for a not so nice workplace. But today I want to talk specifically about women. And when I tell you the title, it's gonna, women, it's not gonna feel nice, but I'm gonna go into the depths of this and help you understand better. So a great episode for women especially, but also good for men as well. Why women in leadership trend towards micromanaging. So in this episode, I'm gonna talk and really unpack kind of the nervous system dysregulation and the cultural and like gender roots behind micromanagement and talk about how what's really under it is... this need to feel safe and supported. And we are then going to move into some solutions oriented talk. How do we fix this problem? But it is a uh pretty big problem because I have had multiple friends tell me that they have left jobs, multiple jobs even, not because the work was too hard, not because they didn't like the work or anything was out of alignment. It was because the women leading it drove them to to leave. And I have experienced this in a few different roles that I have been in as well. So this got me thinking, why do so many women who care so deeply about their teams, it's clear they feel and care deeply about their teams and their work. Why are they trying to control, like, everyone's every move? Hello, micromanagement. It's so clear. But what's under all of this is what I wanted to know. I feel it, I see it, I hear it. But where is it coming from and why? So that's what we're going to talk about.

Lauren Spigelmyer: The first part I want to go into is really just redefining what micromanagement is. Because when I say, you know, why women in leadership micromanage, people are like, that, that I don't, I don't accept that. I resist that. That's not true. Micromanagement isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just over responsibility, over functioning and perfectionism. So when I say over responsibility, like when women in leadership micromanage, they are carrying the emotional and frankly operational load for everyone on the team, but they don't have to. It's both a subconscious and conscious choice. There's also a lot of over-functioning, which means like stepping in, anticipating, trying to rescue, changing solutions or going back and correcting solutions that were already in place when they feel like things are out of control, when they feel like things could or might or possibly fall apart. And that perfectionism is, most of us are familiar, it's like obsessing over details, redoing things and this kind of meeting constant updates for and from the team. Like I think about this a lot in like time management, organizations that require hourly or salaried employees to track time by like the minute. I mean, it's one thing to understand blocks and blocks and chunks of time that are devoted to projects, but down to the minute. management feels a bit too micromanaging, but that's grounded in perfectionism. So what we need to know is that this is normal and it's a default state of functioning if we have history of trauma, if we have exposure to toxic work cultures or we kind of gained our leadership skills in toxic work cultures. or we are chronically overstressed, which that one is most of the population, but the other two, think, are a huge part of why this pattern exists in the first place. And when a pattern exists, it's usually more subconscious than conscious. So on the surface, it looks like control, but underneath it, the nervous system is screaming and trying to create predictability in what feels like could be an unpredictable environment. Even if the environment is predictable, the system, subconscious, the nervous system, feels unsafe, so it acts as if it's unsafe. It's crazy. Okay, so basically what the body is saying is if I can control the outcome or outcomes of work, projects, things, maybe I'll be safe. I know that's not the actual message, but it's what the subconscious is acting upon. Maybe no one will get hurt or be to blame or insert whatever. Maybe I won't be blamed. Maybe the need for control is so that that person doesn't feel like a failure and maybe has underlying needs of am I worthy enough? And if I'm in this position of leadership, I can't fail because then I will be to blame. But it's a survival strategy that is dressed up as professionalism. So instead of asking questions or thinking to oneself, Why can't you just trust her team and stop micromanaging? And we need to start by asking what's happening in the nervous system that makes trust feel unsafe. that question changes everything because it's at that point we can move into compassion because you can't coach or train away a survival response. Like you just can't talk somebody out of being in a survival state. Even if they're high functioning survival, I'm a person for most of my life have been very high functioning. I've done quite well in a lot of areas of my life. The entire time I was probably in survival, still in an honest survival state. And the high functioning survival makes it look like you're not in survival. Everything is fine. You're not. Your internal system, because that's what happens is like high function survival is on the inside things are chaos. Outside, you're able to like collectively pull it together. That's perfectionistic behavior. But it's not actually regulation.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So, let's talk about nervous system because this is a good segue into the nervous system. It's not always visible. The internal dysregulation is not always visible, but you can hear the internal come outward. Like, it'll sound like irritation in your tone. or even yourself, might even feel it. It could be like tightening of the chest or cramping in the back. could be just the anxiety that comes from a to-do list is growing by the hour. But underneath it, what's happening is the nervous system is starting to creep its way into protection mode, which comes out as micromanagement. I think of like a good example is like, I've experienced this. Have friends that have experienced this. It's like getting an email late in the day, especially if it's an email like a Friday before you go to the weekend that's a little bit, the tone is not so friendly and it feels a little bit like being called out or being reprimanded or being trouble. And it's not a conversation or a meeting, it's just, it's text or it's email. And it just feels like not a nice thing to receive at the end of the week and maybe a better thing that could have been addressed on Monday. But because that person feels like they need to get it out, control it, all things, it comes out on Friday instead of them being able to regulate and think like, oh, this would be better sent on Mondays. I don't have to think about it all weekend. So when the environment feels unpredictable, the brain immediately is like, control, let's control everything. But I think I mentioned this a minute ago, what's so crazy about that is the environment could actually be predictable, it could actually be healthy, but the person's history sees a lack of safety in all environments maybe. And... that's kind how their brain is wired. even if there's not chaos, they might create chaos because they're so used to the unpredictability and the lack of safety that even if it's there, they might subconsciously sabotage it. uh So. What we need to do is we need to know that the nervous system is dysregulated and it's of sort of working against us. I mean, it's trying to work for us, like trying to put itself in a state that feels safe is working for us, but it's outwardly coming out as working against us. So we need to try and restore this equilibrium. And I think about, you know, when I think of nervous systems, when I think about nervous system dysregulation, I think about control and micro management, I think about women are super hypervigilant. And if you haven't heard of that term, it means you're constantly scanning, checking, correcting, looking, aware. Eons ago, were in hunter gatherer tribes. And for the most part, your tribe protected you. So you didn't need to be super hypervigilant. Or there were uh men that were like warrior types that were protectors. And you didn't have to do that. But women who were on their own or women who were in charge, they might not have that protective plan or protective, uh, male fig- I'm gonna be careful how I say this because some might not receive this well when we talk about male versus female and protector versus, um, what I mostly mean is that like the physique of a male eons ago was, was like the hunter type. So it was bigger, stronger, and it was known for protection biologically. On a subconscious level, that's still true today. Like if, and at most times women have to be hypervigilant if they, they don't have a clan to protect them. They don't have a being that is physically protective. So this hypervigilance becomes a survival mechanism that most of us have built in. And it's the body's way of saying, like, if I can see everything, then nothing will blindside me. But... We really need to be aware of that's a sign of nervous system dysregulation. Hypervigilant, always being hypervigilant, never letting your body relax, always being kind of tense and tight and up and you know, like moving really fast is not what we want. That's not the type of culture we want to build. And we need to shift from judgment, so for feeling judgment towards someone for acting that way, into a more compassionate and hopefully this person will or can or... We'll see feedback or there are signs, there's resources that might help this person step into more self-awareness. And we can all begin to see change when from the leadership level down, there's regulation, there's co-regulation. And that works a lot better than shaming the behavior and talking about it behind people's back. If we soothe the system, it creates more sustainability. So. Ultimately though, it's the question may be like who is responsible for fixing this? I mean, the person that is dysregulated and doesn't know it, but you have to wonder if they're not aware of this and they're not the type of leader that's like constantly trying to be better and is constantly asking, not constantly, but regularly asking for feedback and can receive feedback without being defensive. Like is this person potentially ever going to change? Cause will they have enough awareness to see that they are the problem from the level up and the solution comes from them and trickles down. So we'll talk about that in a little bit. Problem or responsibility really is it you, yes.

Lauren Spigelmyer: But let's talk a little bit about kind of gender expectations. Cause beyond just nervous system, and I kind of alluded to this in a little bit of the brief discussion of hypervigilance, let's talk about gender expectations. So, Women were socialized from a very, very young age to hold it all together. Like they were the foundation of the household. Like the man might've been protected, but the woman was in the household holding it all together. And they were taught and socialized to manage relationships and take responsibility for the emotional climate of the house or the group. So in leadership, this translates to somewhat of like an expectation that if things go wrong, it's their fault or if things go wrong, it's my fault. And that's just a societal thing that has happened. That's not necessarily always a childhood thing or a trauma thing, but it is one that is a very true, true thing. Plus in a male dominated or even high stress environment, these pressures that are somewhat sometimes self-created, but also societally created, they really intensify. So women leaders often feel the need to prove their competence all the time, all the time. They anticipate every problem before it even happens and prevent any failure before it even exists. Even small mistakes feel like they're little tiny drops in the bucket that are like, oh, evidence of inadequacy, inadequacy, inadequacy. And the stakes are really high because the systems around them or us frequently punish imperfection and punish vulnerability. So it's hard to step out of those patterns and step out of those systems that were created a long, time ago. The irony is that the strategy creates a lot of tension that can erode trust. and drain energy. So we've got to find a way to manage the micromanagement. So here's what the pattern looks like, because it's a little bit easier when you can kind of hear and see some examples. If we're over anticipating problems, what we're saying is if I don't step in now, even if nothing really has gone wrong yet, especially when something has gone wrong, it will fail. Instead of trusting our teammates and our team members to manage it or even it does fail to manage the failure. It also means that I am so guilty of this one over communicating instructions. do, this is my default. Like I totally, I own this one. Sending lots of reminders, endlessly clarifying. I always do this. I guess I laugh because I want to be so clear that so that no mistakes are made. So everything is perfect, but I'm like, here is more than enough detail. But what actually happened, and I learned this a while ago, is that over detail, the over-describing, the over-explaining, and this is like in every field. think about it educators to children. Like when they over explain lessons, it's true. When leaders are explaining to those that they are supporting, like same thing. Doctors to nurses. It's any field. All of the over communication and all of the data and the over directions actually makes it really hard to learn or to follow the directions because there's too much detail and it's too much for us to process and we can't keep it in our brain. It's too much information. Another form of over communicating is, is like checking every step, like frequent. I'm not saying like with project management that it's a bad thing to have a checkpoint or an update here and there, but frequent, regular check-in that like everything is so perfect means you don't trust your team. And therefore we micromanage and try and check every step. Also taking ownership of other responsibilities. I must see people do this. Completing tasks for other staff and make sure that it gets done, that it gets done on time, that it gets done the way they want it to, or it's like refusal to delegate and be doing things that you should not be doing as a leader. It just shows distrust and it's another form of micromanagement. So once we recognize this, we can start creating conditions that allow us to let go of some of that micromanagement and share responsibility and build trust. And that feels nice, like hearing that, oh, share responsibility, take some things off my plate. Oh, and I learn to trust my coworkers, colleagues, employees, whoever. So whose responsibility is it? It's definitely the leader's responsibility to do the work and change, but is the leader going to recognize that there's a change needed and the specific type of change that is needed? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the type of leader they are, how much of a self, how much of a, what's the word I'm gonna use? Self-driven learner are they? How self-aware are they? So maybe we can drip little things, send them resources. Or, you know, hopefully if they're a good enough leader, you could have a conversation with them and give some critical feedback without them feeling defensive. I desire to always work in workplaces where I can go to someone that is superior to me and have a conversation and be like, here's what I'm thinking, here's what I'm seeing, here's what I'm feeling. And that person not feel defensive and take the feedback and be like, hmm, okay, that's really good feedback. Let me process that and sit with it. And then we can either have another conversation or maybe I need to make some changes or you need make some changes or we both need to make some changes. But. I feel strongly about being able to get a leadership and being bluntly honest with them. Not rude, still kind in your delivery, but honest and not so passive that they actually don't get the point or they don't see the message. If they don't do those things, people will leave and that's what we're seeing. And I think it's probably pretty normal that if someone is like a super micromanager, they're already tense and defensive. So they probably aren't going to receive that critical feedback very well. So how can it come in a different way or be delivered in a different way that's not so direct if you don't think they will receive it well. And ultimately, if you really don't think they'll receive it well and they're micromanaging and they're not receiving feedback well, they're not even listening feedback. Maybe it's not the best workforce environment to be in. So how do we break this cycle? Because survival mode is exhausting. Like your system is always on, always working, not neutralized. And it not only impacts leaders, but it impacts their teams negatively, very negatively too. So the shift again, and then we move into small, intentional, actionable steps that build safety first in yourself. and then through co-regulation, others change and then it co-regulates others, the entire organization begins to shift.

Lauren Spigelmyer: So step one, notice your signals. What are the things that let you know that your nervous system is dysregulated? Because if your nervous system is dysregulated, then that's when you're going to start trying to control. shallow breathing, tension in the body, frustration or irritability, over exhaustion, checking things, redoing work. Those are all signs that your nervous system is very dysregulated. Also just like moving fast, like when your body is just moving fast and you can't like slow down and rest and just take a breath or go for a quick walk or just your mind is bouncing from thing to thing to thing to thing that you need to do and you're feeling overwhelmed. That's nervous system dysregulation. So when you notice these signals or these signs from your body, it's a good idea to put a sticky note somewhere in your desk to remind yourself to pause and ask. What am I afraid will happen if I let go? My body is becoming dysregulated. I'm subconsciously and now a bit more consciously seeking control. I'm starting to micromanage. What am I afraid will happen if I let go? Just a little tiny bit. And just reminding yourself, let go, let go, trust, let go, trust, let go. And if that feels scary one, you're gonna do that and it's gonna fail sometimes. And that's okay, we recover. We learn from it, we grow. But two, maybe what it will tell you is that you haven't led them well enough to let go. And that's something that you need to change in your process or your systems. It's less nervous system and more just training. What I would encourage one to do is actually write this down. Take it out of your body, take it out of your mind, put it on pen and paper. What could this stem from? Could be fear of failure, could be fear of judgment, could be blame, could be letting your team down, could be not feeling worthy enough. mean, there are hundreds of things that could be driving this. But naming the fear that's under it makes it conscious, brings it into your conscious instead of it's remaining in your unconscious. And conscious fears are much easier to manage than unconscious ones. Because if you don't know it exists, there's nothing you can do about it. But if you bring it into your thinking brain, you can then solve the problem. Step three, create micro moments of safety. Safety is the anecdote to control. When you feel the need to control, it's doing something to put yourself in a state of safety or feeling of safety that will help you to let go and relinquish control. So start small. Share decisions with your team instead of dictating everything. Just allow them to take some ownership, to be motivated by having some of their own control. Be transparent about what matters most versus, I want to say most and versus and I combined it. uh Let me start over. Be transparent about what matters most versus what can wait. Cause not everything is a must do now. Some things are, can do when I'm done. And then set realistic expectations for yourself. We have so many unwritten rules for ourselves. I have some of these too, I'm just trying to break them so hard, I'm trying to break them, all these rules we set for ourselves and sometimes rules that we set for others that are kind of out of realistic expectation zone. So check your expectations, especially for yourself and then definitely for your team. But also normalize that failure is going to happen and we fail forward and we normalize mistakes and we use them as learning opportunities. I have a three year old that somewhere, I'm not sure if it's his preschool or other places where he resides, but he will sometimes say like, mom, am I having a bad day? And I was like, bad day? We don't have bad days. We just have days where we can do better. So what I am trying to teach him is that there isn't good versus bad when it comes to like day as a whole or human existence. We're humans, we fail, we make mistakes and that's all okay. It's not a bad day. You never have bad days. You just have days where either we need to do better or that... weren't so fun to live through, but it wasn't a bad day. It wasn't a bad mis-standpoint. was he thought his, I'm assuming, he's three, can't verbalize all this, but I'm assuming he has done something somewhere in the past where someone said that was bad and either said or created it to, know, when or if you do that, you are bad and therefore you are having a bad day or it is a bad day because you've done this thing. That is not true. We're humans, we make mistakes. It's not a bad day. It's just a day where we can do better. and can learn from our mistakes and use them as learning opportunities to grow.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, step four, your body holds, your body holds the key to breaking the automatic micromanagement patterns, your body, because your body holds your nervous system and your nervous system needs to move into a regulated state and that will help you to let go of control. So use regulation tools. And if you don't know what that is or never use these, great time to learn grounding. You can literally go outside and put your feet on the ground, like socks off, shoes off, toes on, ideally the grass, cement. That one might be a little too woo for you and that's okay. You can do some deep breaths, put your hand on your chest, breathe in, breathe out really slow. You can do things like a little bit of walking, is that rhythmic bilateral stimulation, cold drink of water, eating something really flavorful. Like all these things will help you like come back into your senses. regulate your body, come back into the present moment, and that all helps you to stay regulated. Even just pacing things out, avoiding stacking high-stake things back to back to back to back and working all day without a break even when you feel like you have to. You're actually, by the end of the day, moving slower because you haven't had any rest, so you're working harder instead of moving through things faster because you've taken a break.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Step five. This is the last one. Build in rhythms, especially trust rhythms, layer in these practices that reinforce safety for both you and your team, like weekly reflection, small check-ins to discuss what's going on, what feels good, what feels challenging, where I as your leader can improve. Affirmations, and not like the woo affirmations of like the things we tell ourselves in the mirror, which aren't a bad thing either, but affirmations of competence, recognize staff contributions, loud and proud as frequently as possible because that sends a message I trust you and I believe in you and you've done well. Peer support, definitely partner with other leaders who you either can or do or can eventually learn to trust for holding you accountable and giving you another perspective. We can't always see our patterns. I have for years coached school systems, coached family systems, and then I had a family of my own and I realized I really struggled to implement some of the things that I did every day for work, things that I even implemented in the field myself on no problem implementing. The problem was when I was at home, I shut it off and it was my family. So I was, it was more emotionally connected. So my thinking brain wasn't as accessible. I needed someone to hold me accountable and give me perspective, even if that was my partner or family or whoever it was. And then celebrate really little small micro successes. Like celebrations of any form or like a little daily glimmer, a little bit of hope, a little bit of almost like gratitude or thankfulness that are embedded into the rhythms of the day. And what this does is it really reinforces patterns of autonomy. Like you did that on your own. I saw it, I recognize it. And it also builds confidence for everyone. Like it feels good to do it. It feels good to receive it. So everyone wins. So you're move through those five steps. I'm gonna read them real quickly again. Notice your signals or signs in your body that you know you're dysregulated. Then when you do that, pause, ask yourself, what am I afraid will happen if I let go? Three, micro moments of safety. Four, regulation tools. Five, build in rhythms, frequently reoccurring things that keep everyone grounded. When you practice these steps, you shift from micromanagement into a more co-regulation type of environment. Co-regulation is this concept of I regulate myself first. If I come at everything from a more regulated state, those around me will mirror my regulation. And if they become or are dysregulated, they will become more regulated because I am regulated. we're working towards, I'm losing my voice, we're working towards building a system or like a style, maybe even of leadership that's rooted in safety and growth and collaboration and resilience and one that your own nervous system can sustain without burning out.

Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, last thing is I just want to talk about reframing this a little bit more because again, we hear the word micromanagement, we think of it and we're like, oh, it's a bad thing. Micromanagement is a trauma echo. It's a response to trauma or chronic stress or patterns that existed in environments that you were in. A pattern in your nervous system has learned in response to stress, in response to chaos, in response to environments where safety and predictability were scarce. Your body is still thinking it's in that. environment. When you understand this and you understand it's not really necessarily your fault but it is your job to do the work, everything changes. Think about why is my nervous system or what is my nervous system even trying to accomplish right now? Like it's getting dysregulated, I feel triggered and I'm aware of that now because I recognize the signs in my body. What's my nervous system trying to do? It's trying to make me feel safe. Okay, what can I do right now to make myself feel safe so I don't have to show up and control everything? And what am I afraid might happen if I step back, if I let go a little bit of control like I asked earlier? This is where healing and honestly massive transformation begin. When leaders practice this awareness of their own nervous system responses and then create small, safe, regulatory practices and routines to step back and to trust and to build autonomy. and to regulate the growth in your team and the growth in your culture and organization. It's wild. It's so wild. So wild. We're going to teach our teams how to manage challenges without constant oversight, control, and micromanagement. We're going to create a workspace and a work environment that breeds safety and trust and creativity and problem solving where everyone can flourish. In other words, a shift from micromanagement into regulation and co-regulation is what we are after. And that allows us to lead in a way that is sustainable, keeps people from turning over, burning out, good retention. It also feels very like human centered and it feels incredibly empowering most importantly, like so healing. It's about replacing this drama and survival-driven control with intentional and confident, connected leadership. Ooh, that gave me the chills. Confident, intentional, connected leadership. I don't feel like I've experienced that much in my life. I hope you all have. And if not, I hope you find a way to... get to something like this, or you can work with your leadership team to reach a conclusion like this or get closer to a conclusion like this. But if not, if you're insured or if you need to give your leadership some resources, that's why we created Five Ives and we created this beautiful program called the Staff Sustainability System. I'm so tired. I can barely get these words out, Staff Sustainability Program. It's a system that Jessica and I have put together that works to retain staff, that works through nervous systems regulation, that works through co-regulation, that works through leadership and frontline staff and the people that they're supporting and kind of the organizational whole all together at one time so that everyone's getting the same information and it's all coming to you through a third party so that it doesn't feel like it's coming. from the internal, which isn't always received well. So if you learned something today, share it somebody else, come back to this episode, check in with yourself, share the episode with somebody else, talk about it, maybe share the episode with your leadership. And next episode, we are going to go into uh the next part of the series. We're gonna talk through the Rs. Can't wait to introduce that one. So that's part of our staff sustainability system is the three Rs. So until next episode. I'm Lauren Spigelmyer, thanks for joining me. We'll see you soon.


Categories: : Emotional Regulation

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