Chaos to Connection

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Lauren shares simple ways to build connection in classrooms to reduce chaos and support emotional regulation.

Today Lauren is setting the stage for a new series that encourages a shift from managing behavioral chaos to building meaningful connections, especially in classrooms. Lauren uses examples from her personal experience to illustrate how the idea of connection as biologically essential and the foundation for all emotional regulation shows up in the real world.

Lauren offers simple, practical routines to foster connection: consistent morning greetings, regular emotional check-ins, and environmental cues like soft lighting and cozy corners. She also suggests using humor or music during transitions to create moments of connection. These practices send safety signals to the brain, making regulation and re-direction more effective. Over time, small, consistent changes can reduce dysregulation and help children feel more secure and supported.


Try it at Home Tip: Choose one connection ritual for the age group you work with and implement it in your classroom.


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    Episode Transcript

    Lauren Spigelmyer: We're back for the episode, and I totally skipped around and changed the plan. I think at last episode, I believe I told you—I can't remember—I told you what the next title was, or what the next episode was going to be, but I added one in here because I felt like this little mini-series was missing just one episode, and I wanted it to be about moving from chaos to connection, or really talking about why connection is such an important next step here before we talked about like it's not, it's not personal, it's not about you, and consequences, and burnout. All other things are all important. We're going to talk about those in this series, too.

    But first, I want to set the foundation with today's episode, which is from chaos, not to calm, from chaos to connection, because I think so frequently, and Jessica and I were recording earlier this week for courses that we're doing, programs we're launching, and we talked a lot about like, it's not about stopping the chaos. It's not about stopping the behavior. It's not about managing the behavior. It's about shifting to understanding what's underneath it, what's driving it.

    We are so in parenting and education, even in workplaces, like conform, follow the directions, which is respectful, like that's part of being a human in society, but also like, how do we understand what's going on underneath things for people? Like, even some of the awful behaviors you see adults show up, here's a perfect example.

    Months ago, probably at this point, maybe years ago, I was at a bank, and I was watching an old man scream at the teller. I don't remember why I was at a bank. I don't know why I go to banks anymore. I was screaming at the teller, and, like, the teller, you could tell, was like a little scared, and everybody around was passing so much judgment like, "Get a hold of yourself, man, like this is out of control." And I'm there, like, "Yeah, this is bad," and also, "He must be really stressed about something. Like, he must be hurting, or there's something going on his life that would make him act like this," because it's not like socially appropriate human behavior.

    So someone's acting this way, it's not because they're a malicious person or they're bad. It's probably because their nervous system is like, "Help me out." So, just having grace for people, but especially kids, because their brains are not fully developed. So today we're talking about, how can we take and make small moments of connection to help change behavior over time? So how do we both react to behavior presently happening, but also chip away at preventing it from even happening in the first place?

    Lauren Spigelmyer: So let me give you a little scenario here about myself. When I was coaching in the classroom for 10 plus years, when I'd walk into a lot of these classrooms, and many of them were early childhood classrooms, because my job was to prevent early childhood programs from kicking kids out of school, which they do quite frequently. My body was always like, high alert, because I would walk into that classroom knowing, even if it was like a more calm classroom, that inevitably, even in the small amount of time I was there, there was probably going to be one of many meltdowns. And I would go in there, and my whole state would shift, and I would be like hyper-vigilant and on edge, and like, "Okay, get ready, get ready to go. Someone's gonna break down here soon."

    But the chaos, the meltdown, that wasn't the actual problem. It was just a signal that a greater problem existed, that something was underneath that dysregulated behavior. And the tool to shifting a classroom environment, classroom energy, classroom behavior, kids' behavior, really. Yes, interventions. We're going to teach them a lot of things like regulation.

    But what's really under it first is human connection, because more than any other reward, we desire human relationships, we desire to belong. And it's innately interwoven into our biology. Like, think back, hunter-gatherers. We had to belong to our tribes because we weren't accepted and connected to our tribes and people within it. Then those people wouldn't help protect us, and there were a lot of things that were dangerous to us outside of our tribes. So biologically, we're wired to feel like a part of the group, and when we don't, psychologically unsafe thoughts and neural patterns come into play. So connection, that's at the heart of all of this.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: So we're gonna talk about something really simple today: how to create genuine moments of connection that can completely transform your space. And we're talking about this more from like a school-based program, doesn't have to be necessarily early childhood. It could be primary school, intermediate, middle, high, but this applies to everyone, but it even applies to like a workplace. And it's all grounded in the nervous system theory.

    So why connection works, let's talk here first. Let's go right into the nervous system. I talked about this a lot of times before, but there's basically like, if we stack this up, you have like three categories. Maybe in the middle is like zone of how much can I tolerate, or how much can a child tolerate before they melt down, before they start talking back, or they might be a child who, instead of talks back or melts down, goes more internal, and dissociates and disconnects. The moment that we leave that like zone of healthy regulation, that window of tolerance zone, we might go up into a more defensive state, we might go down to a more disconnected state.

    But ultimately what's happening is our emotional brain is overriding our thinking brain, and in those moments, our brain is wired for survival first, even if it's like psychological survival. So when your thinking brain is overridden by your emotional brain, you can't cooperate well, you can't listen well, you can't manage your moods, emotions, regulation very well, because your body and your subconscious and your conscious and your whole system is like, protect, protect, protect. So the behavior just comes out. It's impulsive. It's subconscious. They're not trying to do the thing they're doing. They're just trying to get an underlying need met. And most of the times this shows up as like defiance, aggression, shutting down, clinginess even. I think we don't always recognize that clinginess is often a sign there's a lot of emotional dysregulation, nervous system dysregulation.

    But connection, sense of relationship, attachment building, sends a cue of safety to the brain that says, "You're okay. You can come back down." And the brain says, "Okay, calm down, come back online." So connection isn't optional. It's the foundation for all regulation. And before you can redirect a behavior, you have to first connect, bring the regulation back down, co-regulate, maybe even then use some regulation tools and then redirect. And that's why we're going to talk about the trouble with consequences and punishments in like two episodes. Ugh! You can't like logic a resolution with a brain and body system that's still in fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode. It just doesn't work. You can't just like communicate with them, demand punishment, consequence. It doesn't work.

    The first thing that has to happen is connection, probably regulation, and then redirection, and maybe with connection and co-regulation, then you can redirect. Possibly, each child is different. But first, it has to be connection. Oh, you know what I compare it to? What I think it's like is disciplining, punishing a child who is dysregulated without first connecting and downregulating them, maybe co-regulating with them. It's like trying to download a large doc or like an update to a program, but you have no Wi-Fi. Like you just keep trying. You just keep trying. You just keep trying. It doesn't go anywhere. You're getting more frustrated. It's just not gonna happen. And someone's probably going to throw that device.

    So ultimately, regulate yourself. Then co-regulate with you, downregulate them. Maybe you need more regulation tools after that, and then you can redirect and move on. I know that sounds like a long sequence of many steps. That whole sequence in happening in real time, a couple seconds, maybe 30, 60, 90 seconds, doesn't take long.

    So let's talk about what this looks like, though, because we can both like co-regulate and regulate them down. But we can also use points of connection and micro-habits to prevent some of the behaviors from even escalating, because you preventatively put some connection points in place.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so here are some connection rituals, routines that can work in any classroom setting. One is some form of a predictable greeting. So just pick one thing that when students arrive, maybe it's like a handshake or a high-five, maybe it's like a mantra you say. Maybe it's just a smile, like a very intentional eye contact, on them smile. But something that you do every morning when they come in, like I don't know if you greet them at the door or greet them outside the door.

    What you can do is like a connection ritual or routine in the morning, first thing when they walk in that says like, "I see you, and I'm glad you're here." You don't have to actually say those words, though you can. But what it does is it creates predictability, it creates rhythm, and rhythm and routines are really calming to the nervous system. So when you do that, you're preventatively kind of connecting and keeping the regulation down. So if a child comes in hot, you might be able to downregulate them. If they don't come in hot, but something stirs them up pretty quickly, maybe it keeps them from completely flipping their lid.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: The other thing I would do is periodic throughout the day, emotional temperature checks. It will look different if you're talking about younger kids versus older kids. Like, if I'm working with tweens and teens, I'm probably going to do like a digital temperature check. If I'm working with like intermediate, maybe even tweens, like middle school, I might do like a humor-based temperature check. Like I might ask them, "If you were to describe how you're feeling right now in weather terms, are you sunny, cloudy, partly sunny, partly cloudy, pouring rain?" I don't give any details. Just what's your emotional state in weather right now.

    For younger kids, it could even be just like a thumbs up, sideways, or a thumbs down. If they can't even pick up their thumb and turn it a certain way, then maybe you just do like a 1, 2, or 3. There are, gosh, there are so many ways to do emotional temperature checks, digital, not digital, younger kids, older kids. If you're not sure, you can Google like emotional temperature checks or use AI emotional temperature checks for X age group.

    But you're not trying to open up anything or fix anything. You're just trying to become aware and notice, maybe name it, possibly normalize it. And just by keeping a neutral tone and not going into anything and just hearing and holding that brings the whole energy of the classroom down.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: Also, do you have any environmental cues in the room that feel like connection that feel like warm, cozy, even if they're not like connection to you? Like, they just feel like human connection.

    Like, for example, softer, warmer lighting, especially with like the harsh fluorescents in a classroom, which is often what is in there. Softer lighting to balance out, or even like, I don't know if you have string lights, but they're usually softer, warmer, yellowy orangey. That softer lighting feels like a psychological hug a little bit. Or if you do have like a calm or cozy corner, where they can kind of just relax, that has like softer items. Even that can feel like a human hug. Even if they're just visuals of things that are like calming or connecting, like oceans are really calming and even nature-based scenes.

    So there are things that you can put up in your classroom that help the nervous system to stay more regulated, that are kind of like connection. But they're not direct human connection, because the reality is, you can't connect with every child all the time. You have to lead the classroom through whatever you need to lead them through, so you can't always be present or be stopping, even if it is only for 30, 60, or 90 seconds. So what can you preventatively set up in the classroom to kind of take your place, to feel like it's a human there, helping them regulate? Plus all these things help your nervous system, too.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: The other thing I would say is like where I see a lot of meltdowns, both for younger kids and older kids, is usually during transitions. I consider them like high-risk time zones, because there's just it's a little bit of chaos during transitions. Usually there's a lot of stimulation, a lot of bodies moving around the room. There might be like disgust of like, "I don't want to go to that learning space," or "I don't want to work with that person." It could be like, "I don't want to go there because I feel like that's too hard, and I don't know if I have the skill set to do that. I'm going to feel embarrassed." I'm like already forecasting in my mind all these things that are going to happen.

    So during transitions, can you make little moments of connection, like, can you make some intentional eye contact? Can you play some rhythmic music to help them regulate? Even humor can really downshift kiddos. Sometimes I'll even read books during transitions, and it kind of sounds weird, but I don't need them to be actively listening to the book. But while I'm reading, they're hearing my calm voice. They may be learning something, or maybe there's humor in the text, or maybe I'm teaching them emotional regulation skill through the text. But just while they're making that one to two minute transition, I'm just picking up a text and reading it that I've chosen. I stop it wherever I'm at. When the transition is done, I keep it nearby, pick it up for the next transition. I just keep reading it throughout the day. I've done that for years with all different age groups and grades, and it works really well.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: So remember that we're trying to send these cues of safety, and that the chaos doesn't need to kind of erupt and take over. And these things can be definitely points of connection that we can embed into our routines in our day, or they can be like things that we set up that feel like we're there connecting. Okay. But it's not instant, like the body, the nervous system, the neural pathways, like they need to kind of reset.

    All of these things, like these might be new ways of being, like, maybe you don't have a morning greeting, but you start to use that. Well, day one, it might not work, or you might not be like, "Yeah, it fixed everything." You really have to implement it for a quite a long period of time, so that our kind of wiring can rewire. So it, you know, it often takes 30, 60 days even to really see a significant difference. But the more you practice these moments of creating connection and safety, the less kids will need to or have to express their nervous system dysregulation through behavior.

    So you should notice like fewer kids shutting down, less refusal, you even see like more eye contact, more engagement. Because you're going to potentially have more eye contact, more engagement, and change your tone and body language. You'll see increased cooperation. You won't need to issue threats or warnings or bribes, and there will be less need for control.

    Across the board, like control is a big driving need that a lot of students have, and that's because in classrooms they lose a lot of control because they're constantly being told what to do. So by connecting, they might not feel like they need to control so much because they're staying regulated. Plus through all of this, like your burnout definitely decreases as everyone is staying more regulated, so worth a little bit of time investment that it might take to create these and to implement them, and to kind of integrate them into everyday life.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: Ugh! Okay. It's just remember, like, it's not big, huge shifts, and don't feel the need to try all these things at once, just like micro changes, micro adoptions. Once you feel like you have something down as a habit, then maybe bring in the next thing. But it doesn't need to be like big dramatic changes that shift things. It's these like 1,000 tiny little applications that really tell the brain like, "You're safe. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe. Okay? I finally believe I'm safe."

    Lauren Spigelmyer: All right. Let's try this. Choose, research, look up, ChatGPT, maybe just like one connection ritual for the age group that you work with to start this week. That's it. One small thing. No huge overhauls, no redesigning your entire classroom. Just one simple little thing, like maybe saying each child's name as they enter the room, maybe using some kind of emotional temperature check, maybe ending the day with like, "We'll see you tomorrow." Like that's it. Something small, and commit to it. And then remind yourself that you're gonna do it by actually like setting it up, planning it, putting sticky notes up. Like, you're gonna forget to do it if you don't see their environmental reminder or like, have the thing done. So leave this podcast and go do the thing or set it up so that you can do it.

    Lauren Spigelmyer: Okay, so a lot of what we talked about today is a lot of what is like the groundwork and the foundation for the work that we do at Five Ives. So we work not just with schools, but often with schools. We also work with medical organizations and police and fire and nonprofits. And we work on changing the culture through helping people understand the nervous system and regulation, and like subconscious things that are going on, not just with individuals, but yes, with individuals, but also like as a collective whole, as an organization from the policy down to the leadership, down to the employees, down to the people that they're serving.

    So that said, we created a very specific program for this kind of work, but specifically for educators, because they're going through right now with behavior. So if behavior is leaving you feeling drained, and you feel your own nervous system is stuck in survival daily, one, you're not alone; two, that's exactly why we created the program that we did called Behavior Breakthrough.

    So Behavior Breakthrough is an online, self-paced, highly research-backed, like nervous system-backed, neuroscience-backed, trauma invested—not even trauma-informed, like beyond, beyond what is required for trauma-informed—it is trauma invested course that really helps educators understand behavior through a nervous system lens and helps prevent burnout before you feel like you don't have a choice but to leave. So the beautiful thing about this, though, is we very specifically designed this to run each semester, summer, fall, spring, and we created it in the strategies within it that you could easily implement in your own classrooms. Doesn't feel like teaching a whole other curriculum or a whole another program. It's like, how do I integrate this into what I'm already doing?

    But the best part is, should you decide to take this course, it is backed by 4.5 credits from the University of Pennsylvania, charged at their rate, 1950. So we are, we just launched this week the summer cohort, and we will later this year launch the fall cohort, and then again the spring cohort. So we will link for you in the show notes the Behavior Breakthrough program. But all the data points and details that you might need are on there to learn more about what is the course like? When does it run? How much does it cost? How do I get credit? How do I register? Like you can register right on the page.

    So we'll link that page for you in the show notes. And remember that if you're looking for more support for things in education, like the Behavior Breakthrough programming, that's a great option. You can share that with others. But if you want more support in your school, specifically, or it's another organization, nonprofit, medical, police, whatever, and you want to learn more about the work that we do at Five Ives, and how we shift the burnout world for burnout society, we would love to have that conversation with you. So you can go to fiveives.com, FIVE, IVES, and go to our "Schedule a call with us," and it's a free discovery call to learn more about the work we do, and see if it can support the work that you do.

    And don't forget to lock in what you learned today by actually going and setting up the thing that you're going to try or putting a sticky note or putting a calendar reminder, whatever it is. And the next episode, we are actually going to go on to the episode I told you we were going to do today, which is behavior, their behavior, children's behavior, isn't about you. So how do we stay grounded when we feel like it's a direct attack to and at us. Okay, until next episode.

    I'm Lauren Spiegelmeyer, and thank you for joining me.


    Categories: : Emotional Regulation, Regulation Strategies

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